Just a quick update this morning as I am feeling hopeful that things may be changing soon for my son and his girlfriend. After J's few days in jail a couple of weeks ago, his girlfriend was arrested for the first time and also just spent a few days in jail last weekend. Her case is being handled by an alternative court that deals mostly with homeless addicted souls. This court is apparently offering her inpatient rehab and for the first time in a long time I am feeling some hope for them.
I spoke with my son yesterday and he is encouraging her to go and take the help available to her. In the meantime he is trying to get all his court stuff sent to drug court and looking at an option to get help himself. Instead of trying to beat the system it sounds like he is much more humble now. They are so stuck and dependent on each other for survival. He has been much more in contact with us and his sister these last couple of weeks.
He continuously says he knows things have to change, they can't keep doing what they are doing - in fact he can't believe they have made it this long. He is going to be on some kind of drug probation and he knows he can't do it himself now and is hoping they both have a court ordered way to go to treatment at the same time.
If there was ever the time for doors to open in that direction - this may be it.
Please keep them in your prayers. I don't want to get ahead of myself but hope is a great thing.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Peace
Some peace, serenity and calmness has been how I'm feeling lately. I got to see my son on Father's day and all in all it felt so great to hug him and hug him and hug him - and watch him eat french fries.
My husband decided for Father's day he wanted to go in to the city and try to meet up with our son. I was cautious about the idea after the no show on mother's day but have missed him so much. I agreed that it was his day and if that's what he wanted to do we would go. I hoped that we could let go of expectations and just go plan a great day in the city whether the meeting up with our son happened or not.
Our daughter had invited her dad out fishing but he was determined to try to see our son, so we all headed to the city. Hubby insisted we pick up our son & his girlfriend at a designated corner of the horrid neighborhood they are staying in a hotel there. When we got to the corner, it was the only really disturbing trauma part of the day for me. Just driving into the area, the streets lined with homeless people in line at a food bank/church, laying on the sidewalks etc was a lot to process. As we sat waiting I scanned the street looking at one seedy horrid hotel after another and wondered which was the one my son is currently residing in, and it was hard not to feel a bit sick. Then, in typical addict fashion, a crisis ensued with a frantic call to my daughter's phone -he can't meet us now, there is a problem with hotel manager. He insisted we leave, that he didn't want us waiting there and he would meet up with us later.
So off we went to the tourist part of the city and tried to make the best of it and I wondered if we would see him at all. We wondered, we waited and to my surprise, son & girlfriend arrived about an hour later. Hugging my boy was an amazing feeling - regardless of the events of the last two years I love him and miss him so much. To my surprise, he looked - well - good. His face was shaved, his clothes were clean. It was hard not to notice the hole in his shoe with his toe poking out but I didn't let it bother me too much. His long hair was tucked under a beanie but when he took it off his hair was clean and maybe even trimmed? His girlfriend on the other hand looked worse then I've ever seen her and it made me sad for her. This girl has my heart and it is hard to imagine this is where her life has taken her as well. She was very very thin, her eyes seemed sunken in and what little was showing of her arms were scarred, bruised and scabbed with little sores. My sons arms were covered to his wrists so I can only imagine what his looked like under his sleeves.
We spent what felt like a "normal" family day being tourists. We laughed, we joked and we just spent time together. I didn't beg and plead for him to find recovery. We didn't even mention the circumstances we find ourselves in. We did let them know they are loved and we will be there to support them when they want to make a change. I was able to let him live his own life that day and it felt great. I did give him a packet with resources to find free healthcare, free meals etc in the city. As a mother, knowing he can find food or get medical assistance for an infected injection site makes ME feel better.
Harm reduction, accepting that it is what it is.
We ended the day with a meal at a fast food burger place and it sounds silly but it felt so great to watch them eat! We each ordered meals and he asked if it was ok if they got milkshakes too. They ate their burgers, milkshakes and fries and then he asked me if I wasn't eating my fries and could he have some. I gave him my fries and he ate those too. Then my husbands fries, then my daughters fries. 4 trays of empty french fry trays stacked in front of him later it felt so damn great to feed him those french fries.
He has expressed repeatedly that he knows he will be going to jail soon. I now know that he was arrested on possession of heroin charges a couple months ago and was just arrested and put in jail again for two days last week for a warrant on the possession charge. When I heard it was for possession my reaction was YAY! That's great news!! Crazy to be excited about my son being arrested for possession but it gives me hope that he will have a choice of finally maybe getting to rehab paid for by our state! Thanks to prop 36 I hope he is given that option over jail. My son has never been clean more then 10 days in his entire adult life..my hope is for some mandated treatment of an extended length of time to clear some of the cobwebs from that addicted brain. I don't want to get ahead of myself because the last possession of heroin charge was just dropped for no reason but each one maybe gets him closer to the help he needs!
And for now - I am feeling peace today.
My husband decided for Father's day he wanted to go in to the city and try to meet up with our son. I was cautious about the idea after the no show on mother's day but have missed him so much. I agreed that it was his day and if that's what he wanted to do we would go. I hoped that we could let go of expectations and just go plan a great day in the city whether the meeting up with our son happened or not.
Our daughter had invited her dad out fishing but he was determined to try to see our son, so we all headed to the city. Hubby insisted we pick up our son & his girlfriend at a designated corner of the horrid neighborhood they are staying in a hotel there. When we got to the corner, it was the only really disturbing trauma part of the day for me. Just driving into the area, the streets lined with homeless people in line at a food bank/church, laying on the sidewalks etc was a lot to process. As we sat waiting I scanned the street looking at one seedy horrid hotel after another and wondered which was the one my son is currently residing in, and it was hard not to feel a bit sick. Then, in typical addict fashion, a crisis ensued with a frantic call to my daughter's phone -he can't meet us now, there is a problem with hotel manager. He insisted we leave, that he didn't want us waiting there and he would meet up with us later.
So off we went to the tourist part of the city and tried to make the best of it and I wondered if we would see him at all. We wondered, we waited and to my surprise, son & girlfriend arrived about an hour later. Hugging my boy was an amazing feeling - regardless of the events of the last two years I love him and miss him so much. To my surprise, he looked - well - good. His face was shaved, his clothes were clean. It was hard not to notice the hole in his shoe with his toe poking out but I didn't let it bother me too much. His long hair was tucked under a beanie but when he took it off his hair was clean and maybe even trimmed? His girlfriend on the other hand looked worse then I've ever seen her and it made me sad for her. This girl has my heart and it is hard to imagine this is where her life has taken her as well. She was very very thin, her eyes seemed sunken in and what little was showing of her arms were scarred, bruised and scabbed with little sores. My sons arms were covered to his wrists so I can only imagine what his looked like under his sleeves.
We spent what felt like a "normal" family day being tourists. We laughed, we joked and we just spent time together. I didn't beg and plead for him to find recovery. We didn't even mention the circumstances we find ourselves in. We did let them know they are loved and we will be there to support them when they want to make a change. I was able to let him live his own life that day and it felt great. I did give him a packet with resources to find free healthcare, free meals etc in the city. As a mother, knowing he can find food or get medical assistance for an infected injection site makes ME feel better.
Harm reduction, accepting that it is what it is.
We ended the day with a meal at a fast food burger place and it sounds silly but it felt so great to watch them eat! We each ordered meals and he asked if it was ok if they got milkshakes too. They ate their burgers, milkshakes and fries and then he asked me if I wasn't eating my fries and could he have some. I gave him my fries and he ate those too. Then my husbands fries, then my daughters fries. 4 trays of empty french fry trays stacked in front of him later it felt so damn great to feed him those french fries.
He has expressed repeatedly that he knows he will be going to jail soon. I now know that he was arrested on possession of heroin charges a couple months ago and was just arrested and put in jail again for two days last week for a warrant on the possession charge. When I heard it was for possession my reaction was YAY! That's great news!! Crazy to be excited about my son being arrested for possession but it gives me hope that he will have a choice of finally maybe getting to rehab paid for by our state! Thanks to prop 36 I hope he is given that option over jail. My son has never been clean more then 10 days in his entire adult life..my hope is for some mandated treatment of an extended length of time to clear some of the cobwebs from that addicted brain. I don't want to get ahead of myself because the last possession of heroin charge was just dropped for no reason but each one maybe gets him closer to the help he needs!
And for now - I am feeling peace today.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Time to save myself
This last couple weeks I have taken some important steps in my own recovery. I have spent so much energy worrying myself sick over what my addicted son is doing, how he is destroying his life and fearing for his death.
It suddenly hit me that his addiction could actually end up killing ME.
I have done all the right things in action in the past 18 months- stopped enabling, establishing boundaries, keeping very little contact etc, think before reacting etc but inside my head and my heart the obsession with his addiction continues to wreck me to my soul.
So I am taking some very real steps to save myself instead of him. I met with a doctor on got on anti-anxiety medication (It's not working yet!!!). I found a therapist and met with her this week as well. She has a major background in addiction and I think she will be very good for me and my recovery. She wants me to dive into my own recovery in some extreme ways that I am not sure I want to do - 90 meetings in 90 days and even look into in patient co-dependent recovery - really?? I didn't even know there was such a thing! Rehab for codependents - who'd have thought? Apparently my one Nar-anon meeting a week isn't enough to solve all my problems! So I guess I'll have to get myself to some Ala-non meetings too and she says online meetings count so it really is possible if I want to get better. It's clear she is going to make this about me and not my addicted son.
The thought of it is exhausting - I can make all kinds of excuses why I shouldn't do any of that but I keep asking myself if I really want to get better why not at least give some of her suggestions a try?
Last weekend I wrote about the potential silence from my son and dealing with the not knowing what he is doing or where he is. Since then both my husband and daughter have spoken to him and his addiction continues to drag him down to a such horrid self destructing life.
So now I know where he is. He is has been in the big city again for the last few months, living in the worst drug addicted crime ridden neighborhood where he fits right in and has access to all the drug dealers he needs. Him and his addicted codependent girlfriend are staying in a motel there. I have no idea how they get money to pay for motel rooms but chances are it is not through any legal means. It seems they no longer have her car - what a shock! I mentioned to my counselor that I suspected thats where they are and she seems to think it is a very comfy place to be a heroin addict. Between the needle exchange programs and the free meals at shelters and churches, I guess if you are going to be a homeless heroin addict this is the place to do it. She also stressed there is outreach on practically every corner there when he is ready for help it is readily available. This news also means he is not in the town I am working in now so that is somewhat of a relief. I wasn't sure how long it would be until I had a weak moment and would be tempted to go find him after work. On the flip side this is the same city my daughter works in and I hope she can stay strong and not get sucked into the chaos of his addiction again. It hurts me so much to see her hurt by her brothers addiction.
He told his sister he can't think past hour to hour, that he is just living in each day with no plans to end it. He doesn't want to see any of us because there is nothing to say and he is totally unable to follow through with any plans. He feels horrible about mothers day. He doesn't want to be a burden. He loathes what he is doing and feels guilt over all the hurt he has caused us - but he isn't ready to change it - this is what he wants to do. He said that he knows it is coming to an end soon that his choices are going to be taken away by his legal and criminal problems that are continuing to get worse. I could speculate that he continues to get arrested for petty thefts or worse and is failing to make any court appearances or following through with his current diversion program in criminal court in another county. Reading between the lines as they say, I would venture to guess there are warrants for his arrest. I suppose it is only a matter of time before he is in jail soon. I pray next time it is longer then a few days.
In the meantime, I am going to do my best to continue to work on me. To free myself from the bondage of my obsessive worrying thoughts, the remove the overwhelming stress I carry around 24/7. I think I am ready to get myself well and learn how to live my life again and to experience the little joys life still offers instead of being consumed by darkness.
It suddenly hit me that his addiction could actually end up killing ME.
I have done all the right things in action in the past 18 months- stopped enabling, establishing boundaries, keeping very little contact etc, think before reacting etc but inside my head and my heart the obsession with his addiction continues to wreck me to my soul.
So I am taking some very real steps to save myself instead of him. I met with a doctor on got on anti-anxiety medication (It's not working yet!!!). I found a therapist and met with her this week as well. She has a major background in addiction and I think she will be very good for me and my recovery. She wants me to dive into my own recovery in some extreme ways that I am not sure I want to do - 90 meetings in 90 days and even look into in patient co-dependent recovery - really?? I didn't even know there was such a thing! Rehab for codependents - who'd have thought? Apparently my one Nar-anon meeting a week isn't enough to solve all my problems! So I guess I'll have to get myself to some Ala-non meetings too and she says online meetings count so it really is possible if I want to get better. It's clear she is going to make this about me and not my addicted son.
The thought of it is exhausting - I can make all kinds of excuses why I shouldn't do any of that but I keep asking myself if I really want to get better why not at least give some of her suggestions a try?
Last weekend I wrote about the potential silence from my son and dealing with the not knowing what he is doing or where he is. Since then both my husband and daughter have spoken to him and his addiction continues to drag him down to a such horrid self destructing life.
So now I know where he is. He is has been in the big city again for the last few months, living in the worst drug addicted crime ridden neighborhood where he fits right in and has access to all the drug dealers he needs. Him and his addicted codependent girlfriend are staying in a motel there. I have no idea how they get money to pay for motel rooms but chances are it is not through any legal means. It seems they no longer have her car - what a shock! I mentioned to my counselor that I suspected thats where they are and she seems to think it is a very comfy place to be a heroin addict. Between the needle exchange programs and the free meals at shelters and churches, I guess if you are going to be a homeless heroin addict this is the place to do it. She also stressed there is outreach on practically every corner there when he is ready for help it is readily available. This news also means he is not in the town I am working in now so that is somewhat of a relief. I wasn't sure how long it would be until I had a weak moment and would be tempted to go find him after work. On the flip side this is the same city my daughter works in and I hope she can stay strong and not get sucked into the chaos of his addiction again. It hurts me so much to see her hurt by her brothers addiction.
He told his sister he can't think past hour to hour, that he is just living in each day with no plans to end it. He doesn't want to see any of us because there is nothing to say and he is totally unable to follow through with any plans. He feels horrible about mothers day. He doesn't want to be a burden. He loathes what he is doing and feels guilt over all the hurt he has caused us - but he isn't ready to change it - this is what he wants to do. He said that he knows it is coming to an end soon that his choices are going to be taken away by his legal and criminal problems that are continuing to get worse. I could speculate that he continues to get arrested for petty thefts or worse and is failing to make any court appearances or following through with his current diversion program in criminal court in another county. Reading between the lines as they say, I would venture to guess there are warrants for his arrest. I suppose it is only a matter of time before he is in jail soon. I pray next time it is longer then a few days.
In the meantime, I am going to do my best to continue to work on me. To free myself from the bondage of my obsessive worrying thoughts, the remove the overwhelming stress I carry around 24/7. I think I am ready to get myself well and learn how to live my life again and to experience the little joys life still offers instead of being consumed by darkness.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The silence and hope
Last summer my son made his only real attempt at sobriety and sadly it lasted only about a week or two. During the time I thought he was clean, I volunteered to go to court with him. He was facing a felony grand theft charge and still wanting to protect him from his own destruction and the consequences of his actions, I went to court with him to support him. I believed he was clean at the time. I let him spend the night at our home for the first time in many months so we could go to court together early the next morning. He had just moved into a sober living environment. It was very shortly after that we got the call from the house manager to tell us they found needles in his room and he was being kicked out. He tried to deny everything with conspiracy theories in typical addict bullshit. Part of me actually wanted to believe him but all the red flags were there even before that call. Right or wrong to go snooping, I needed proof. I went into the room he had spent the night in at my house. I found a cigar box with needles. Were they left there from months before we kicked him out? No - that room had been cleared out of all drug paraphernalia. Did he really just shoot up heroin in my house the night before we went to court? The shock of it all sent me reeling again. Any denial I was trying to hold on to was swept away.
I picked up his journal - the one he has carried through it all, so dirty, even with blood stains on wore out dirty pages and a sticky note that said read at your own risk - and it was all right there. He had been lying and using again and even wrote about how he stole something from another department store the day before we were headed to court on the other charge. In all his crazy drug rambling writings there was this one little poem that said it all. I took a picture of it on my phone. From time to time I read it. It gives me hope. It says it all.
Tons of remorse
Yet I don't repent
With fleeting curiosity
Wonder what it meant
Another day
Another lie
Another sorrow
Tomorrow I hope to try
It is the last line he wrote that gives me hope. In the midst of his addicted insanity, somewhere in there he too hopes.
I did finally get a text from him about a week and a half ago - it was 10 days after I sent him one saying simply that I love him and know he can get better after the no show on mothers day. It said "I just wanted to tell you I love you too mom". Okay good, relief, he's alive and I can go about my life.
So now we have entered that period of silence again where I wonder when I will next hear from my son. Since the beginning of this year there has been little contact from him at all. When I am in my crazy mode, I obsess with what he may be doing out there, addicted and suffering, homeless, cold, hungry. I worry endlessly about the what ifs. On my crazy days, I have to fight an internal battle to go pick him up off the streets and talk sense into him.
Today, feeling so much healthier, I am calm and at peace for the silence of no contact as it means my life is addiction chaos free for now. I stop the obsessive thoughts when they start and don't let them continue on.
This week brought a major change for the better in my career and I was able to really focus on my job. It felt great to go to work each day and throw myself into something I love and am good at. I actually transferred locations to the same town my son has been hanging out in last I knew of his whereabouts anyways, and so far I have been able to resist any temptation to go looking for him. I hope I can stay strong and my crazy days will continue to happen less and less and the healthier ones come more. This plan for me with my company had been in the works long before my son was roaming the streets homeless there and is an amazing opportunity for me. I was able to make this last week about a wonderful career opportunity and stay focused on that - not my son. It felt great.
Instead of helplessness, today I am hopeful.
I picked up his journal - the one he has carried through it all, so dirty, even with blood stains on wore out dirty pages and a sticky note that said read at your own risk - and it was all right there. He had been lying and using again and even wrote about how he stole something from another department store the day before we were headed to court on the other charge. In all his crazy drug rambling writings there was this one little poem that said it all. I took a picture of it on my phone. From time to time I read it. It gives me hope. It says it all.
Tons of remorse
Yet I don't repent
With fleeting curiosity
Wonder what it meant
Another day
Another lie
Another sorrow
Tomorrow I hope to try
It is the last line he wrote that gives me hope. In the midst of his addicted insanity, somewhere in there he too hopes.
I did finally get a text from him about a week and a half ago - it was 10 days after I sent him one saying simply that I love him and know he can get better after the no show on mothers day. It said "I just wanted to tell you I love you too mom". Okay good, relief, he's alive and I can go about my life.
So now we have entered that period of silence again where I wonder when I will next hear from my son. Since the beginning of this year there has been little contact from him at all. When I am in my crazy mode, I obsess with what he may be doing out there, addicted and suffering, homeless, cold, hungry. I worry endlessly about the what ifs. On my crazy days, I have to fight an internal battle to go pick him up off the streets and talk sense into him.
Today, feeling so much healthier, I am calm and at peace for the silence of no contact as it means my life is addiction chaos free for now. I stop the obsessive thoughts when they start and don't let them continue on.
This week brought a major change for the better in my career and I was able to really focus on my job. It felt great to go to work each day and throw myself into something I love and am good at. I actually transferred locations to the same town my son has been hanging out in last I knew of his whereabouts anyways, and so far I have been able to resist any temptation to go looking for him. I hope I can stay strong and my crazy days will continue to happen less and less and the healthier ones come more. This plan for me with my company had been in the works long before my son was roaming the streets homeless there and is an amazing opportunity for me. I was able to make this last week about a wonderful career opportunity and stay focused on that - not my son. It felt great.
Instead of helplessness, today I am hopeful.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Letting go & feeling better
Just wanted to write a quick update this morning. I am doing sooooo much better then I was the week following the no show on Mother's day.
Sometimes I just feel hopelessly helplessly addicted to my drug addicted son. At least for now I am not acting on my irrational thoughts of saving him.
After my daughter's words - he knows where all the help is if he wants it - I started being able to let go again. I still haven't heard anything from J or J2, although a few days after the no show I did text an old friend of his and his friend let me know he had received a text from him. Relief then turned to anger and sadness but at least I do know he is alive, and not in jail. I began to let go at that very moment and stopped my frantic calls to jails and interventionists.
Last weekend I finished the book Beautiful Boy, written by the father of an addict son..it is so comforting to know that I am not alone in my craziness. And at the same time so sorry for so many other parents of addicted kids out there and the hell we all go through.
This weekend I also read about half of "Tweak" by Nic Sheff - the son of the author of Beautiful Boy. It is giving me perspective of how sick our addicted kids are. When Nic is on his drug runs, he barely gives a moments thought to his family or the destruction he is causing to his own life - he just didn't care.
And that is helping me let go.
I can detach knowing my son does know what to do. I brace myself for what will perhaps be the longest period of no contact. I wonder if the not knowing, not hearing or seeing him is actually better for me anyways as our lives get to stay free of chaos. I am trying not to live in fear of waiting for the next crisis.
Thank you to all that are reading and commenting..I read your blogs and am reaching out in internet land with a cyber hug to all of you.
Sometimes I just feel hopelessly helplessly addicted to my drug addicted son. At least for now I am not acting on my irrational thoughts of saving him.
After my daughter's words - he knows where all the help is if he wants it - I started being able to let go again. I still haven't heard anything from J or J2, although a few days after the no show I did text an old friend of his and his friend let me know he had received a text from him. Relief then turned to anger and sadness but at least I do know he is alive, and not in jail. I began to let go at that very moment and stopped my frantic calls to jails and interventionists.
Last weekend I finished the book Beautiful Boy, written by the father of an addict son..it is so comforting to know that I am not alone in my craziness. And at the same time so sorry for so many other parents of addicted kids out there and the hell we all go through.
This weekend I also read about half of "Tweak" by Nic Sheff - the son of the author of Beautiful Boy. It is giving me perspective of how sick our addicted kids are. When Nic is on his drug runs, he barely gives a moments thought to his family or the destruction he is causing to his own life - he just didn't care.
And that is helping me let go.
I can detach knowing my son does know what to do. I brace myself for what will perhaps be the longest period of no contact. I wonder if the not knowing, not hearing or seeing him is actually better for me anyways as our lives get to stay free of chaos. I am trying not to live in fear of waiting for the next crisis.
Thank you to all that are reading and commenting..I read your blogs and am reaching out in internet land with a cyber hug to all of you.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Emotional turmoil
In the last year of this craziness, I have managed my best to detach with love and live my life despite what is or isn't happening with my addicted son. I have been learning everyday how to let go and some days or months I do it better then others. This week I'm not doing it well at all.
I have been waiting for his "bottom" to come before it's too late. I have been obsessing again on my biggest fear of all - If they day ever comes that he overdoses and dies out there - it will be too late for me to say I should have done something, I should have tried, I should have intervened. He has been running the streets, homeless for over a year. He has no car (sold the one I gave him for drugs, motels), no phone (I think I have bought 5), little to no contact with family or friends. If that isn't a bottom I don't know what is. He steals to survive and is cycling through the revolving door we call the courts. From one county to the next and has never spent more then 5 days in jail as far as I know yet. The first time he was arrested and had to kick in jail, the dope sickness was horrendous and he swore off heroin, was never going to go through that hell again. But it was fleeting and he was soon to be right back to it. I used to hope for mandated treatment through the courts but they just drop the possession charges and send him on his way. The arrests for petty theft etc turn into diversion programs that don't include any drug tests. I am tired of waiting and putting my hopes in the system.
This week I have gone off the deep end again and become an emotional wreck. Perhaps starting this blog sent me there, I don't know. What I know is I am wrecked with emotional turmoil over wanting to do something to save my son again and a head full of Nar-non telling me he can only save himself.
It had been a really really long time since I had even cried. This week I have had multiple crying meltdowns as I have tried to implement and force my family on board with some sort of intervention. I know that this idea is fear driven. They say fear is the flip side of faith so I must be losing faith.
My husband is trying to ground me back to reality and my daughter is so afraid of my being hurt. I know I shouldn't be making an emotional decision when I am in this mind set. I am taking the steps to get myself out of it. I went to a meeting & I made an appointment with my shrink to get on anti-anxiety meds again.
Every fiber of my being tells me I have to do something. I have to feel like I have TRIED EVERYTHING to help him even if it gets me nowhere...I know this is a dangerous road to go down and I can't stop myself from wanting to do something. It's that dark time when I feel like my little boy is drowning in a lake and I am supposed to sit back and let him. Then I have to remind myself he is not that little boy.
Like so many other normal American families, ours too has suffered great economic hardship these last few years. In reality, there really is no money for a professional interventionist, much less any private paid rehab and this is all some convoluted dream that will never be. Conversations with my husband this week have not gone well in this regards with him trying to be rational and me being in an emotional rage - I have argued I should sell my car and drive a beater to pay for it. I argued that we would do it without hesitation if our son were dying of cancer and it was the only hope of saving him. When I brought it up to my daughter, she reminded me that he knows where all the free detoxes and treatment options are (we have personally given him the numbers and driven him there ourselves) and he had made it clear he doesn't want the help. She is angry at him for the basket-case I am sounding like again and wants to protect me from being hurt and disappointed. I get it, but it is so emotionally painful.
We agreed that I will continue to do some research..if I can find low/no cost help my family may get on board. (Am I dreaming?) My goal for today is to keep my emotions in check so I can make rational decisions, not desperate ones.
To the other families of addicted loved ones or kids out there? What are your experiences or thoughts on interventions? Or do I sound like a crazed desperate mother trapped in emotional turmoil?
I have been waiting for his "bottom" to come before it's too late. I have been obsessing again on my biggest fear of all - If they day ever comes that he overdoses and dies out there - it will be too late for me to say I should have done something, I should have tried, I should have intervened. He has been running the streets, homeless for over a year. He has no car (sold the one I gave him for drugs, motels), no phone (I think I have bought 5), little to no contact with family or friends. If that isn't a bottom I don't know what is. He steals to survive and is cycling through the revolving door we call the courts. From one county to the next and has never spent more then 5 days in jail as far as I know yet. The first time he was arrested and had to kick in jail, the dope sickness was horrendous and he swore off heroin, was never going to go through that hell again. But it was fleeting and he was soon to be right back to it. I used to hope for mandated treatment through the courts but they just drop the possession charges and send him on his way. The arrests for petty theft etc turn into diversion programs that don't include any drug tests. I am tired of waiting and putting my hopes in the system.
This week I have gone off the deep end again and become an emotional wreck. Perhaps starting this blog sent me there, I don't know. What I know is I am wrecked with emotional turmoil over wanting to do something to save my son again and a head full of Nar-non telling me he can only save himself.
It had been a really really long time since I had even cried. This week I have had multiple crying meltdowns as I have tried to implement and force my family on board with some sort of intervention. I know that this idea is fear driven. They say fear is the flip side of faith so I must be losing faith.
My husband is trying to ground me back to reality and my daughter is so afraid of my being hurt. I know I shouldn't be making an emotional decision when I am in this mind set. I am taking the steps to get myself out of it. I went to a meeting & I made an appointment with my shrink to get on anti-anxiety meds again.
Every fiber of my being tells me I have to do something. I have to feel like I have TRIED EVERYTHING to help him even if it gets me nowhere...I know this is a dangerous road to go down and I can't stop myself from wanting to do something. It's that dark time when I feel like my little boy is drowning in a lake and I am supposed to sit back and let him. Then I have to remind myself he is not that little boy.
Like so many other normal American families, ours too has suffered great economic hardship these last few years. In reality, there really is no money for a professional interventionist, much less any private paid rehab and this is all some convoluted dream that will never be. Conversations with my husband this week have not gone well in this regards with him trying to be rational and me being in an emotional rage - I have argued I should sell my car and drive a beater to pay for it. I argued that we would do it without hesitation if our son were dying of cancer and it was the only hope of saving him. When I brought it up to my daughter, she reminded me that he knows where all the free detoxes and treatment options are (we have personally given him the numbers and driven him there ourselves) and he had made it clear he doesn't want the help. She is angry at him for the basket-case I am sounding like again and wants to protect me from being hurt and disappointed. I get it, but it is so emotionally painful.
We agreed that I will continue to do some research..if I can find low/no cost help my family may get on board. (Am I dreaming?) My goal for today is to keep my emotions in check so I can make rational decisions, not desperate ones.
To the other families of addicted loved ones or kids out there? What are your experiences or thoughts on interventions? Or do I sound like a crazed desperate mother trapped in emotional turmoil?
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