We stopped in the city over the weekend and arranged to see my son. He called me in the morning very down, lonely, hungry, tired. He tried to get in the detox and they wouldn't accept him as a walk in. He needs to go through his case manager and the community center where he gets his referrals is out until Tuesday.
He is believing he will be admitted on Tuesday and hanging on day by day. He seems sure they will open the long term bed for him since his situation is pretty dire at this point. He is staying off heroin and dosing on methadone daily. He is trying to avoid the areas of the city that are full of his drug buddies. He says no matter how hungry he gets he won't allow himself to steal even a bag of chips because he is so afraid of getting arrested and getting another case.
He looked...okay...not as bad as I expected. Skinny, tired and a bit dirty. I asked him how he showers and he said he doesn't but he tries to keep washed up in public bathrooms to the best of his ability.
He asked if we could get burgers and he ate a lot..I added a milkshake and fries for him and he ate every bite.
I got up the courage to ask him something that has been weighing on me for sometime. That when he gets in to the rehab if he would please sign a consent for them to provide me information. I explained that it was incredibly difficult last time because to protect his privacy, they wouldn't even tell me he was there or that he left. It spiraled me into a 2 month search that I thought he was dead.
He agreed he would and seemed to understand it was hard for me but I don't think he really has any concept of how hard it was.
Prayers for tomorrow that a miracle happens and that bed opens. Leaving him there on the street is again one of the hardest things I had to do but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. The constant battle of head and heart is one a parent of an addict learns to live with over time. At least I can do what I know is right now even when it tears at my heart.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Holding strong
I have spoke to my son a few times..he got a phone charger, I reloaded the phone. No explanation was offered in regards to super bowl Sunday other then he had a really bad day.
He had orientation at the long term residential rehab yesterday, he continues to wait on the bed to open. He is continuing on the methadone and says it is going well. Dosing is the only thing he has to look forward to each day. He continues to make his needed court appearances and case manager appointments. The court is still not mandating the residential treatment due to him beginning the methadone outpatient. He says he wants residential treatment for himself because he knows he needs it.
My daughter bought him lunch twice this week already. He is not staying in shelters - he says they are worse then the street. He is a mess. He is dirty. He smells bad. He rides trains and buses around and sleeps on them.
I will not bring him home to wait for the bed this time.
It is a lingering regret that I brought him home last time to wait although at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. After the month long wait last time he stayed only 4 short days. I kept asking myself if because he was home waiting, he was fed, clean, had a comfortable bed to sleep in that it contributed to his short term memory loss of how bad it is out there.
I won't do it again..but I have to keep reinforcing the idea in my mind all day because the mom in me wants to throw him in the shower and give him a home cooked meal and a bed. He needs to want it bad this time. And being dirty, hungry, tired all will contribute to his desire to change his life. They are the consequences of the life he is living and he has to want for it for it to change and for recovery to stick more then his 4 day record.
He had orientation at the long term residential rehab yesterday, he continues to wait on the bed to open. He is continuing on the methadone and says it is going well. Dosing is the only thing he has to look forward to each day. He continues to make his needed court appearances and case manager appointments. The court is still not mandating the residential treatment due to him beginning the methadone outpatient. He says he wants residential treatment for himself because he knows he needs it.
My daughter bought him lunch twice this week already. He is not staying in shelters - he says they are worse then the street. He is a mess. He is dirty. He smells bad. He rides trains and buses around and sleeps on them.
I will not bring him home to wait for the bed this time.
It is a lingering regret that I brought him home last time to wait although at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. After the month long wait last time he stayed only 4 short days. I kept asking myself if because he was home waiting, he was fed, clean, had a comfortable bed to sleep in that it contributed to his short term memory loss of how bad it is out there.
I won't do it again..but I have to keep reinforcing the idea in my mind all day because the mom in me wants to throw him in the shower and give him a home cooked meal and a bed. He needs to want it bad this time. And being dirty, hungry, tired all will contribute to his desire to change his life. They are the consequences of the life he is living and he has to want for it for it to change and for recovery to stick more then his 4 day record.
Monday, February 6, 2012
No idea what went wrong..
My son called me at 2pm from a borrowed phone and said he was getting on the train to head out our way in 20 minutes. He had been in the midst of another crisis - fallen asleep on a bus, woke up and his bag with all his stuff was gone. His phone was dead and his charger and wallet was in his bag. He didn't want to make a bad day worse by not coming out. He asked if the girlfriend could come too that her parents would bring her over and I said sure. He said he would borrow a phone when he arrived at the station so I could come and pay the train fare at the gate.
Backtracking, my daughter had also invited to her house for Superbowl as her in-laws were coming also. But once I told her I had invited her brother over she did not want to include him in the invitation. So we decided we would stay home so I could spend the afternoon with my son, and they would have their own gathering.
I calculated the time it would have took my son to arrive and decided to head to the station to wait for him. Big mistake #1. I waited until 5pm as one train after another arrived from the city and he was never on any of them. He should have been there by 3:30. I kept thinking he would be on the next one as them came in 20 minute increments.
Big mistake #2 - I should have went to my daughters house to enjoy the game and gathering. Now the game is over half done, and instead of enjoying a nice day I have wasted it in sitting at a train station feeling disappointment after disappointment when each train arrived and he never appeared.
I have no idea what happened to him. More then likely he is just so incapable of putting one foot in front of the other. He also has a knack for getting arrested - a lot - these days. Perhaps he got picked up on his way. He never called and I am just left wondering.
Backtracking, my daughter had also invited to her house for Superbowl as her in-laws were coming also. But once I told her I had invited her brother over she did not want to include him in the invitation. So we decided we would stay home so I could spend the afternoon with my son, and they would have their own gathering.
I calculated the time it would have took my son to arrive and decided to head to the station to wait for him. Big mistake #1. I waited until 5pm as one train after another arrived from the city and he was never on any of them. He should have been there by 3:30. I kept thinking he would be on the next one as them came in 20 minute increments.
Big mistake #2 - I should have went to my daughters house to enjoy the game and gathering. Now the game is over half done, and instead of enjoying a nice day I have wasted it in sitting at a train station feeling disappointment after disappointment when each train arrived and he never appeared.
I have no idea what happened to him. More then likely he is just so incapable of putting one foot in front of the other. He also has a knack for getting arrested - a lot - these days. Perhaps he got picked up on his way. He never called and I am just left wondering.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Phone is back and my tearful weak moment
He has the phone back, although I have no idea about how it really doesn't matter. Yesterday I spoke with him and my heart broke. It was one of those moments many parents of addicts have felt..
He has been on methadone for about a week or two (this is a first for him and I support it completely - finally!) and I believe he is not using heroin at the moment but has no recovery yet and I believe he continues to use every other drug on the planet. He is waiting for a bed again in a long term residential facility while remaining homeless. His girlfriend has remained home with her parents so he is alone.
His texts have hinted to the loneliness and isolation he feels. He told me how glad he is to have the phone as it is his connection to us and how much that means to him. He keeps telling me how much he misses us. How much he loves us. How much he misses his girlfriend. How hard it is to be alone now. Although I am very aware of potential addict manipulation, however this felt very raw and very real.
I felt my heart tearing to shreds - that horrid heart breaking feeling addiction has inflicted on this mom that only other moms or dads would understand.
..I wanted so bad to invite him over but refrained so I could speak to my hubby first - something very important for keeping our family sane in the insanity. I hung up the phone and literally dumped it on my hubby who was watching TV and totally unprepared for me to burst in the room with my overwhelming need to see my son..I want to invite him to come over for the Superbowl, I miss him, I can't take it, he is alone and isolated and lonely - even if it is self inflicted it still hurt to hear the pain in his voice. I cried and sobbed for a long time, the first time in a long time. I felt my heart breaking, I want to hold him, hug him. I want to feed him a homemade meal, enjoy some closeness and send him back to the city. I could feel my husbands heart breaking for me. Hubby reluctantly agreed if I want to invite him over for the day it's okay but I know it was for his love for me that he agreed. I told him I would honor not bringing him here and I could arrange to just go see him in the city. I meant it. I have learned we all are in different places at different times with this and I try so hard to honor my where my other family members are at any given moment. He assured me it is alright to invite him if I want to.
I promptly called and text to invite him. He called me hours later to tell me he would love to come today. Now I have put myself in the situation of worry of how this will all go today, if he will make it over at all. I assured my husband this isn't about letting him stay while waiting for that bed as we all know how that turned out last time. I just want a day, an afternoon, a hug. My heart is slightly comforted as it aches for my son. And hopefully today it will be just a little less broken.
He has been on methadone for about a week or two (this is a first for him and I support it completely - finally!) and I believe he is not using heroin at the moment but has no recovery yet and I believe he continues to use every other drug on the planet. He is waiting for a bed again in a long term residential facility while remaining homeless. His girlfriend has remained home with her parents so he is alone.
His texts have hinted to the loneliness and isolation he feels. He told me how glad he is to have the phone as it is his connection to us and how much that means to him. He keeps telling me how much he misses us. How much he loves us. How much he misses his girlfriend. How hard it is to be alone now. Although I am very aware of potential addict manipulation, however this felt very raw and very real.
I felt my heart tearing to shreds - that horrid heart breaking feeling addiction has inflicted on this mom that only other moms or dads would understand.
..I wanted so bad to invite him over but refrained so I could speak to my hubby first - something very important for keeping our family sane in the insanity. I hung up the phone and literally dumped it on my hubby who was watching TV and totally unprepared for me to burst in the room with my overwhelming need to see my son..I want to invite him to come over for the Superbowl, I miss him, I can't take it, he is alone and isolated and lonely - even if it is self inflicted it still hurt to hear the pain in his voice. I cried and sobbed for a long time, the first time in a long time. I felt my heart breaking, I want to hold him, hug him. I want to feed him a homemade meal, enjoy some closeness and send him back to the city. I could feel my husbands heart breaking for me. Hubby reluctantly agreed if I want to invite him over for the day it's okay but I know it was for his love for me that he agreed. I told him I would honor not bringing him here and I could arrange to just go see him in the city. I meant it. I have learned we all are in different places at different times with this and I try so hard to honor my where my other family members are at any given moment. He assured me it is alright to invite him if I want to.
I promptly called and text to invite him. He called me hours later to tell me he would love to come today. Now I have put myself in the situation of worry of how this will all go today, if he will make it over at all. I assured my husband this isn't about letting him stay while waiting for that bed as we all know how that turned out last time. I just want a day, an afternoon, a hug. My heart is slightly comforted as it aches for my son. And hopefully today it will be just a little less broken.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
My electronic leash broken again
The one little thing I've allowed myself to do is give my son a phone. It's really way more for me then him. After he was missing for almost two months, I decided the silence was too much to handle so I got him a $9 "go phone". I figured I could decide each time his balance was low if I wanted to reload in two week increments. I have lost count of how many phones between myself and his sister we have given him over the last few years but my best guess would be around 6 or 7.
Yesterday morning I left him a voice mail - love you, thinking of you. Call me. About 5 mins later a girl called me from his phone. She had met him the night before and borrowed his phone and forgot to give it back. She wanted to return it but had no idea how to get in touch with him. Well that makes two of us since you are calling me from the only way I had to reach him. We agreed she would return it to the pizza place they met in the night before. My daughter emailed him to let him know it is there but his getting on a computer can possibly not happen for weeks as his only way is at the library or the Apple store. Who know if and when he will get the email and if the phone will be there.
I'm thinking that this is yet another phone gone and now I am again left with no way to contact him.
Yesterday morning I left him a voice mail - love you, thinking of you. Call me. About 5 mins later a girl called me from his phone. She had met him the night before and borrowed his phone and forgot to give it back. She wanted to return it but had no idea how to get in touch with him. Well that makes two of us since you are calling me from the only way I had to reach him. We agreed she would return it to the pizza place they met in the night before. My daughter emailed him to let him know it is there but his getting on a computer can possibly not happen for weeks as his only way is at the library or the Apple store. Who know if and when he will get the email and if the phone will be there.
I'm thinking that this is yet another phone gone and now I am again left with no way to contact him.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Words of wisdom
This in some weird way just gives me the OK to be who I am at any given moment in time when battling my fears surrounding my sons addiction. I have done it all and now it has become just simply - I do what I can live with each day. Today - that is not much. I got this off of another parents blog.
Do what you are comfortable with. Spend all your money trying to help or spend none of your money. Take their calls or don’t take their calls. Pay for their apartment or give them your home. (or leave them homeless) Disown them or clutch them tight. All your pain is about you….your fear of (just) wanting them to be healthy and happy and sane. Since none of this is within your power to give them, then do what makes you able to sleep at night, do what makes life bearable for you. Your addict/alcoholic is doing what makes life bearable for them……aren’t we all?”
Do what you are comfortable with. Spend all your money trying to help or spend none of your money. Take their calls or don’t take their calls. Pay for their apartment or give them your home. (or leave them homeless) Disown them or clutch them tight. All your pain is about you….your fear of (just) wanting them to be healthy and happy and sane. Since none of this is within your power to give them, then do what makes you able to sleep at night, do what makes life bearable for you. Your addict/alcoholic is doing what makes life bearable for them……aren’t we all?”
Monday, January 30, 2012
A funny thing happened on the way to detox
He can't seem to put one foot in front of the other and actually make it through the door to detox.
Addict ramble, addict ramble. Got arrested again. The revolving door of jail continues.. Going to still go...
Still not there..he just doesn't want it bad enough. Although sometimes I think he does want recovery - it is just fleeting. It goes on and on.
Went through the city yesterday where he is homeless and addicted. Stopped by my parents graves and realized it was the 20th anniversary of my dads death. Wondered what my dad would be thinking if he had any idea what has become of my son.
Text my son to tell him it has been 20 years - my dad was the most important person in my sons life as a child..an indescribable bond. He has tattoos dedicated to his grandpa. His first deep hurt that he never could get over was the death of his grandpa...
I didn't stop in the city to meet up with him. We just kept on driving. Letting go.
Addict ramble, addict ramble. Got arrested again. The revolving door of jail continues.. Going to still go...
Still not there..he just doesn't want it bad enough. Although sometimes I think he does want recovery - it is just fleeting. It goes on and on.
Went through the city yesterday where he is homeless and addicted. Stopped by my parents graves and realized it was the 20th anniversary of my dads death. Wondered what my dad would be thinking if he had any idea what has become of my son.
Text my son to tell him it has been 20 years - my dad was the most important person in my sons life as a child..an indescribable bond. He has tattoos dedicated to his grandpa. His first deep hurt that he never could get over was the death of his grandpa...
I didn't stop in the city to meet up with him. We just kept on driving. Letting go.
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