Saturday, June 4, 2011

Time to save myself

This last couple weeks I have taken some important steps in my own recovery. I have spent so much energy worrying myself sick over what my addicted son is doing, how he is destroying his life and fearing for his death.

It suddenly hit me that his addiction could actually end up killing ME.

I have done all the right things in action in the past 18 months- stopped enabling, establishing boundaries, keeping very little contact etc, think before reacting etc but inside my head and my heart the obsession with his addiction continues to wreck me to my soul.

So I am taking some very real steps to save myself instead of him. I met with a doctor on got on anti-anxiety medication (It's not working yet!!!). I found a therapist and met with her this week as well. She has a major background in addiction and I think she will be very good for me and my recovery. She wants me to dive into my own recovery in some extreme ways that I am not sure I want to do  - 90 meetings in 90 days and even look into in patient co-dependent recovery - really?? I didn't even know there was such a thing! Rehab for codependents - who'd have thought?  Apparently my one Nar-anon meeting a week isn't enough to solve all my problems! So I guess I'll have to get myself to some Ala-non meetings too and she says online meetings count so it really is possible if I want to get better. It's clear she is going to make this about me and not my addicted son.

The thought of it is exhausting - I can make all kinds of excuses why I shouldn't do any of that but I keep asking myself if I really want to get better why not at least give some of her suggestions a try?

Last weekend I wrote about the potential silence from my son and dealing with the not knowing what he is doing or where he is. Since then both my husband and daughter have spoken to him and his addiction continues to drag him down to a such horrid self destructing life.

So now I know where he is. He is has been in the big city again for the last few months, living in the worst drug addicted crime ridden neighborhood where he fits right in and has access to all the drug dealers he needs. Him and his addicted codependent girlfriend are staying in a motel there. I have no idea how they get money to pay for motel rooms but chances are it is not through any legal means. It seems they no longer have her car - what a shock! I mentioned to my counselor that I suspected thats where they are and she seems to think it is a very comfy place to be a heroin addict. Between the needle exchange programs and the free meals at shelters and churches, I guess if you are going to be a homeless heroin addict this is the place to do it. She also stressed there is outreach on practically every corner there when he is ready for help it is readily available. This news also means he is not in the town I am working in now so that is somewhat of a relief. I wasn't sure how long it would be until I had a weak moment and would be tempted to go find him after work. On the flip side this is the same city my daughter works in and I hope she can stay strong and not get sucked into the chaos of his addiction again. It hurts me so much to see her hurt by her brothers addiction.

He told his sister he can't think past hour to hour, that he is just living in each day with no plans to end it. He doesn't want to see any of us because there is nothing to say and he is totally unable to follow through with any plans. He feels horrible about mothers day. He doesn't want to be a burden. He loathes what he is doing and feels guilt over all the hurt he has caused us - but he isn't ready to change it - this is what he wants to do. He said that he knows it is coming to an end soon that his choices are going to be taken away by his legal and criminal problems that are continuing to get worse. I could speculate that he continues to get arrested for petty thefts or worse and is failing to make any court appearances or following through with his current diversion program in criminal court in another county. Reading between the lines as they say, I would venture to guess there are warrants for his arrest.  I suppose it is only a matter of time before he is in jail soon. I pray next time it is longer then a few days.

In the meantime, I am going to do my best to continue to work on me. To free myself from the bondage of my obsessive worrying thoughts, the remove the overwhelming stress I carry around 24/7. I think I am ready to get myself well and learn how to live my life again and to experience the little joys life still offers instead of being consumed by darkness.