Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Words of wisdom

This in some weird way just gives me the OK to be who I am at any given moment in time when battling my fears surrounding my sons addiction. I have done it all and now it has become just simply - I do what I can live with each day. Today - that is not much. I got this off of another parents blog.

Do what you are comfortable with. Spend all your money trying to help or spend none of your money. Take their calls or don’t take their calls. Pay for their apartment or give them your home. (or leave them homeless) Disown them or clutch them tight. All your pain is about you….your fear of (just) wanting them to be healthy and happy and sane. Since none of this is within your power to give them, then do what makes you able to sleep at night, do what makes life bearable for you. Your addict/alcoholic is doing what makes life bearable for them……aren’t we all?” 

Monday, January 30, 2012

A funny thing happened on the way to detox

He can't seem to put one foot in front of the other and actually make it through the door to detox.

Addict ramble, addict ramble. Got arrested again. The revolving door of jail continues.. Going to still go...

Still not there..he just doesn't want it bad enough. Although sometimes I think he does want recovery - it is just fleeting. It goes on and on.

Went through the city yesterday where he is homeless and addicted. Stopped by my parents graves and realized it was the 20th anniversary of my dads death. Wondered what my dad would be thinking if he had any idea what has become of my son.

Text my son to tell him it has been 20 years - my dad was the most important person in  my sons life as a child..an indescribable bond. He has tattoos dedicated to his grandpa. His first deep hurt that he never could get over was the death of his grandpa...

I didn't stop in the city to meet up with him. We just kept on driving. Letting go.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Always messing up

Yesterday morning my son called me on my way to work. He was headed over to his case manager to see if he got the bed in detox. Getting the bed somehow meant getting to skip court as well. He text me an hour later and said the bed came through and he was going to detox.

I was calling and texting him throughout the day wanting to talk with him before he went, tell him I love him, give my support. My calls and texts went unanswered all day. I was trying to get up the guts to ask him to sign a release of information for the detox/rehab so if he left again they would be able to tell me instead of leaving me hanging for months of the unknown again. I never got the courage to battle the hostile addict that comes out when he is using.

Finally last night at 8pm he called me and said he messed up. He'd fallen asleep on a bus and missed his time to go check in. Ugh. Apparently he catches up on sleep by riding buses around the city when he is on the street all night. The roller coaster ride all day is wearing me out again. He was headed to the detox hoping they would still take him. Very nervous that he may have blown it bad this time. He never went to court. He needed to check in yesterday for it to all fall in line. He sounded very worried..he sounded very high.

I just listened. Told him I hoped it worked out and hung up...not much sleep for me. Restless nights are commonplace. Anxiety creeping back in. Wanting so bad to hope. Hope that he wanted this. It sounded way more about the court and avoiding jail last night and he still messed it up. He was a wreck on his way knowing he may have blown it again.

Did they take him in? Is there now a warrant again for missing court? Will he just run and go missing again if they refused his bed because he was supposed to be there hours ago? The questions go on and on in my mind. The detox is only a 4 day detox and unless there is a residential bed to follow, the pattern will just go on and on.

I am mentally very caught up in it again...let it go, let go, let go, just let go. Trying to talk myself into letting him go and go back to my life. My night was sleepless, restless, the tension in my body and the sinking feeling in my stomach still sits. Let go, let go, let go.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


My son has some changes happening again and I'm trying not to get to mentally caught up in it but find myself wanting to hope again..

The revolving door of jails and courts is finally slamming shut on him. He is facing a year in jail but his case manager is asking the court for one last shot at rehab and recovery.

He started methadone a few days ago - he has finally realized he won't make it without help. He is due to enter a detox today, at the same long term residential rehab he left in October. The hope is they move him into a bed when the detox is over. The program supports methadone and they will assist in keeping him on it.

If the court says no - he will go to jail which he is terrified of.

Regardless of the motivation, he may actually do this. He is confidant the court will take the advise of the behavior health case manager and he will get treatment.

He is sleeping on the street - he says it is awful but he supposes it's a good thing because it reminds him why he does not want to continue this life of addiction.

He says he wants recovery, he says he is done. He says it is different this time. He says he wants a normal life again. He says he wants to do normal things like see a movie. His girlfriend is back home with her parents. She left the city when he got arrested again. She is doing well, attending meetings, sober.

So I have renewed hope..which scares me. The hope and the disappointment are a horrible roller coaster ride and I do better when I don't fill my mind with dreams of my son clean and in recovery. But today I am hoping again.

Maybe this is finally his bottom.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Living my life

I have reached a new place in my own recovery. I'm living my life again. As my son is again homeless, addicted, sick and his life with heroin is a runaway train, I am finally living mine.

I bought a Wii and have been having so much fun with it..family fun with the active present members of our family.

I am engulfed in Audio books during my commute to work - simple enjoyment to use the time in my car instead of obsessing on my addicted son.

I recently discovered high end thrift store shopping! Making this a payday guilty pleasure gets me a bag of professional work attire for $20 to $30!!! And it helps a charitable cause at the same time. It's enjoyable to have new outfits to wear and finding treasures like expensive name brand skirts for $5!

I am deeply focused on my career while at work and being the best I can be in my job..it feels good to flourish in it instead of faking it while wrestling my mind with thoughts of my son while there.

Yes - it is always there..lurking in the back of my mind. The fear of the worst. I can push it away now and not let it consume me. I am learning to let go. I am learning to detach with love. I have learned the next crisis is going to happen whether I spend every moment worrying about it or not. I'm finally choosing to let that worry go and stop letting it consume me.

Of course an unknown phone number calling my phone at a weird hour will shoot the adrenaline running through  my veins in a millisecond, and these things are the things us parents of addicts just learn to live with.

My plan is just that  - I'm learning to live again. I can hang up from that wrong number, calm myself down and move on.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Long overdue update..

Thanks to those who have been praying and waiting on an update..

Both my son and his girlfriend got in rehabs and both left...my son made it only 4 short days. Here is what transpired over the last few months.

I had made a decision to bring him home to wait for his bed in rehab. It had been two years since I had let him stay with us in our home.  It felt like the right thing to do at the time. He had detoxed off heroin and was doing all the right things to get to rehab and wait. The wait was about one month and that month for the most part was a special time for me to spend time with him. He was optimistic, helpful, had a good attitude and we spent some nice time bonding and reuniting for the first 3 weeks. The courts had arranged a social worker who got him on general assistance. We had discussed this $400 coming and I knew in my heart it was all bad. The day he was told his date to enter rehab we had only 1 wk to go and he got the GA $ and promptly went MIA. His was missing for 5 days but I knew exactly what had occurred. He walked to my house at 3am for hours with his tail between his legs. We only had 3 days to go for the bed so I let him back home to wait. The night before his check in, he disappeared again only to come back high as a kite. That night was crazy...he rambled like a mad man, cried all night, swore upside down and backwards that he wasn't high. I didn't even question, badger -  anything - I just wanted to check him in and get him out of my house. My hubby called it "operation get him the F out of here".

Hubby took the morning off work and dropped him off...I spent the first week full of hope but with lingering doubt. The place he went wouldn't tell us anything or even acknowledge he was there due to confidentiality.They have a 2 week black out period so at first I just waited for that two weeks to pass to get a call or letter. Neither ever came.

So for 8 weeks he was missing...this was a very dark period for me as I grieved and mourned my dreams for a clean and sober son - again. I spiraled into a depression and became frantic with fear and panic. I was obsessed with what had happened to him. Did he leave and OD? Did he leave and kill himself? I spent my spare time with a circle of calling everywhere he had contact with, case managers, jail, hospitals. I filed a missing persons report. His girlfriend had gotten into rehab and was doing fantastic..really optimistic, clean, healthy again. She had not heard one word from him either. So a couple of months passed and he finally called.

He said he thought I wouldn't want to hear from him if he left the rehab. I was just so relieved he was alive.

Sadly, his girlfriend left her rehab to find him and got herself kicked out. She promptly reunited with my son and they are currently living back on the streets, in cheap hotels and using heroin again. They both cycle in and out of jail, they manipulate the system and it revolving door of jail, courts, case workers, assistance just continues on and on. They both got arrested last week and were both out in 4 days. Now suddenly all her charged are just dropped - huh??  I am fed up with the system too but I guess they are overcrowded and overworked.

My son also just found out he is positive for Hep C...not really much of a shock as statistically almost all IV drug users will contract it. I am just relieved its not HIV for now. He is supposed to have a liver biopsy but with the life he is living I can't see him following through with any medical help or them providing much to a homeless addict. Again I hope this may be the thing that will create an intervention but not holding my breath.

I am letting go again - actually more then I ever have. As soon as I knew he was alive I have stopped holding onto such unrealistic dreams and have accepted the situation for what it is. I have given him a phone and he calls me once a week or so to check in and that is about all I want in the way of contact.

I will keep hoping that someday they will be ready, but in the meantime I am living my life. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of my focus being about him and his addiction...I am getting better.

Thanks to those reading and asking for updates.