Just wanted to write a quick update this morning. I am doing sooooo much better then I was the week following the no show on Mother's day.
Sometimes I just feel hopelessly helplessly addicted to my drug addicted son. At least for now I am not acting on my irrational thoughts of saving him.
After my daughter's words - he knows where all the help is if he wants it - I started being able to let go again. I still haven't heard anything from J or J2, although a few days after the no show I did text an old friend of his and his friend let me know he had received a text from him. Relief then turned to anger and sadness but at least I do know he is alive, and not in jail. I began to let go at that very moment and stopped my frantic calls to jails and interventionists.
Last weekend I finished the book Beautiful Boy, written by the father of an addict son..it is so comforting to know that I am not alone in my craziness. And at the same time so sorry for so many other parents of addicted kids out there and the hell we all go through.
This weekend I also read about half of "Tweak" by Nic Sheff - the son of the author of Beautiful Boy. It is giving me perspective of how sick our addicted kids are. When Nic is on his drug runs, he barely gives a moments thought to his family or the destruction he is causing to his own life - he just didn't care.
And that is helping me let go.
I can detach knowing my son does know what to do. I brace myself for what will perhaps be the longest period of no contact. I wonder if the not knowing, not hearing or seeing him is actually better for me anyways as our lives get to stay free of chaos. I am trying not to live in fear of waiting for the next crisis.
Thank you to all that are reading and commenting..I read your blogs and am reaching out in internet land with a cyber hug to all of you.
Yes, yes, yes, you are doing the right thing. Fear does not have to be part of your life. If another crisis is supposed to rear its ugly head, it will do it whether you fear it or not. You can't control others, only your own actions and your own life and wellbeing. Thanks for the cyber hug! Right back at you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Bristolvol! Ya know how you hear something over and over and all of a sudden it just clicks? That what happened the moment I read what you wrote -"If another crisis is supposed to rear its ugly head, it will do it whether you fear it or not" That struck me as one of the most important things I have ever heard. Thank you for your support and encouragement. It made me suddenly feel like I can begin to release the fear and worry that holds me captive sometimes.
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