Some peace, serenity and calmness has been how I'm feeling lately. I got to see my son on Father's day and all in all it felt so great to hug him and hug him and hug him - and watch him eat french fries.
My husband decided for Father's day he wanted to go in to the city and try to meet up with our son. I was cautious about the idea after the no show on mother's day but have missed him so much. I agreed that it was his day and if that's what he wanted to do we would go. I hoped that we could let go of expectations and just go plan a great day in the city whether the meeting up with our son happened or not.
Our daughter had invited her dad out fishing but he was determined to try to see our son, so we all headed to the city. Hubby insisted we pick up our son & his girlfriend at a designated corner of the horrid neighborhood they are staying in a hotel there. When we got to the corner, it was the only really disturbing trauma part of the day for me. Just driving into the area, the streets lined with homeless people in line at a food bank/church, laying on the sidewalks etc was a lot to process. As we sat waiting I scanned the street looking at one seedy horrid hotel after another and wondered which was the one my son is currently residing in, and it was hard not to feel a bit sick. Then, in typical addict fashion, a crisis ensued with a frantic call to my daughter's phone -he can't meet us now, there is a problem with hotel manager. He insisted we leave, that he didn't want us waiting there and he would meet up with us later.
So off we went to the tourist part of the city and tried to make the best of it and I wondered if we would see him at all. We wondered, we waited and to my surprise, son & girlfriend arrived about an hour later. Hugging my boy was an amazing feeling - regardless of the events of the last two years I love him and miss him so much. To my surprise, he looked - well - good. His face was shaved, his clothes were clean. It was hard not to notice the hole in his shoe with his toe poking out but I didn't let it bother me too much. His long hair was tucked under a beanie but when he took it off his hair was clean and maybe even trimmed? His girlfriend on the other hand looked worse then I've ever seen her and it made me sad for her. This girl has my heart and it is hard to imagine this is where her life has taken her as well. She was very very thin, her eyes seemed sunken in and what little was showing of her arms were scarred, bruised and scabbed with little sores. My sons arms were covered to his wrists so I can only imagine what his looked like under his sleeves.
We spent what felt like a "normal" family day being tourists. We laughed, we joked and we just spent time together. I didn't beg and plead for him to find recovery. We didn't even mention the circumstances we find ourselves in. We did let them know they are loved and we will be there to support them when they want to make a change. I was able to let him live his own life that day and it felt great. I did give him a packet with resources to find free healthcare, free meals etc in the city. As a mother, knowing he can find food or get medical assistance for an infected injection site makes ME feel better.
Harm reduction, accepting that it is what it is.
We ended the day with a meal at a fast food burger place and it sounds silly but it felt so great to watch them eat! We each ordered meals and he asked if it was ok if they got milkshakes too. They ate their burgers, milkshakes and fries and then he asked me if I wasn't eating my fries and could he have some. I gave him my fries and he ate those too. Then my husbands fries, then my daughters fries. 4 trays of empty french fry trays stacked in front of him later it felt so damn great to feed him those french fries.
He has expressed repeatedly that he knows he will be going to jail soon. I now know that he was arrested on possession of heroin charges a couple months ago and was just arrested and put in jail again for two days last week for a warrant on the possession charge. When I heard it was for possession my reaction was YAY! That's great news!! Crazy to be excited about my son being arrested for possession but it gives me hope that he will have a choice of finally maybe getting to rehab paid for by our state! Thanks to prop 36 I hope he is given that option over jail. My son has never been clean more then 10 days in his entire adult life..my hope is for some mandated treatment of an extended length of time to clear some of the cobwebs from that addicted brain. I don't want to get ahead of myself because the last possession of heroin charge was just dropped for no reason but each one maybe gets him closer to the help he needs!
And for now - I am feeling peace today.