Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My f'd up roller coaster

Since Monday I have tried my best to let go. I am getting better. Turned him over to my higher power. Focus on my life. I am still riding the roller coaster but the peaks and valleys are not as high and low as they were last year when he attempted recovery.

Yesterday morning I got at text from him. It said - I'm at orientation for the long term rehab, I got in. Call me later, too much to text.

I immediately burst into tears of relief and went straight into my codependency role again. I text back - that's the best news ever..when do you go in? Do you have to wait for a bed? My mind was spinning out of control. Surely they wouldn't send a few day clean homeless heroin addict back to the street to call when a bed is available.

He text back - Whoa mom slow down! Not in yet, just accepted in. I'm eager too. I'll let you know when I know.

And yes - he spent the entire day there doing some orientation and he went back to the streets to wait. I still don't know when he will actually go. He told his sister it could be as soon as Monday next week. He has a case manager that is helping him navigate it all through some behavioral health center that he sought out himself. He was hoping to go to a shelter last night. He hadn't slept and wasn't able to get in a shelter the night before.

My head is still spinning. The mother in me wants to go get him and bring him here to protect him from the streets and the drug dealers until he can check into to the rehab. The recovery in me knows he has to figure it all out. I'm not going to get him. At least not yet.

Today I will wait and hope and do nothing. This is his to figure out. It is not good for me to think I should get involved - and not good for him either.


  1. a friend once advised me to sit on my hands and do nothing..sometimes not reacting is the best thing we can do as parents of addicts.

  2. The best thing I have ever done for myself is to jump off that roller coaster. When I jumped, I got bruised and I hurt like hell, but I healed and life is sweeter on solid ground. I have walked in your shoes, I know what it feels like. Take the plunge, jump! You will land on your feet.

  3. Such an emotional ride - it yanks you from side to side...

    Sounds promising. Can you help? If he needs help, he will ask... JMHO

    Sending big hugs your way!

  4. Hi,

    If you're son is an opiate addict, a long term treatment program would suit him best. Those week long dry-out facilities only serve as a place to detox really, but detox isn't treatment.

    Then again, there are those who go through the long-term treatments only to relapse as well, so...

    I'm so conflicted about ALANON. I understand how it works, but I know it's close to impossible for a mother NOT to get involved in her child's problems, and if you're not there physically, I'm sure your mind is there racing...

    I'm a young opiate addict trying to recover at mom's house. My parents control my money. I heard in some primitive cultures, it was considered an act of nobility for a person to kill himself if he was harming his clan. Sometimes I feel like such a burden that I want to kill myself. I'm so ashamed of what I put my parents through. I used to lie to them constantly so they wouldn't worry, but it always backfired.
    My mother is calm only when I'm in her home. I've given my parents complete control over my finances and they seem to not be so worried anymore... Are we doing the wrong thing?

  5. Genrxation - you are trying to recover! That is everything..please don't ever think that ending your life to stop hurting your family makes any sense!! While my son is alive, I get to HOPE every day he will find recovery and that keeps me going. You may be ashamed of what you've put your parents through but if they have educated themselves at all regarding addiction - then it is the addiction that we may hate, but we never stop loving the addict. I forgive my son for everything because I know he is sick and his bad choices are driven by his drug. Understand that my biggest fear is his death and where there is life there is hope. I hope you are in some recovery program for yourself and know that it is never too late to begin your life over.

  6. Please listen to her Generxation. I'm a mom too & she described exactly how we feel. My addict son has done many terrible things to us as a result of his addiction that he's also very ashamed of. He's also working hard on his recovery now & that's the best thing,.. what I care about. What he did bad before isn't at all as important as that.