Thursday, August 18, 2011


For the few of you wondering where I've been, my personal life has been filled with crazy major life changes over the last month. I have moved from my home and town of 15 years, my husband started a new job and I have been offered a new job. In addition, my daughter is getting married in two short weeks so I have tried to keep her wedding at the center of my thoughts and attention regardless of everything else going on. This has all kept me very distracted from what is happening with my addicted son. Anytime I am dealing with my own life and not obsessed with his is a good thing for me.

However there has been some waters being stirred with my son and his addicted girlfriend. Sunday evening my son called me from outside of a detox. I have waited over a year for this phone call. He informed me that he is done, can't do it anymore etc etc. He informed me he was checking in. He and girlfriend agreed it was time. She called her parents, who have been totally absent from her life, and they picked her up from the city. She has options through the court and they are trying to get her to inpatient treatment. The courts referred her yesterday and she has an intake appointment Friday. Pray for her that she will be getting the help she so desperately needs. The simple fact that she has now been removed from their situation and will be in rehab is huge! I know that together they are a lethal toxic combination of addiction and codependency. Also this is the first time detox was initiated by him - not us urging him, directing him and driving him there.

When he called, I wanted to cry this huge sobbing relief - this is it, it's over, I'm going to have my son back. I know through my recovery to stay in the moment. I was so afraid to hope to much - he never has made it past a few days in detox - they are typically 7-10 days and his pattern has been to walk out after 2-3. Because it has been a full year since his last attempt, and the girlfriend is out of the picture I hoped this time he would make it. Monday evening he called again and started rambling that he never got in last night but he checked in at 6am Monday morning. I could tell he was high and not sick at all but I figured he probably used heroin up until the moment he checked in. Red flags were flying everywhere in my mind. I only have a minute because I'm not supposed to have this phone. (breaking the rules the first day?) He wants to try to go to a different detox in the county where I live because he thinks the treatment options are better. (uh oh - the treatment options are abundant in the city he is in -not so much out here - and does this mean he is trying to rope me in somehow?? Please don't ask to stay with me while you wait for a bed!!)

My personal recovery around his addiction also has taught me this is his problem - he needs to figure it out. I can't dictate where he goes or what he does. I can only keep my boundaries in tact so I don't get sucked into addiction chaos and manipulation. So I listened to the addiction ramble of the addicted messed up mind of my son, and just said things like - oh, ok, good luck, I love you, keep me posted. I didn't tell him what to do, I didn't offer to do anything. I am letting him figure it out - if he really wants this he will and him wanting it is the only way it is going to happen anyway. I wanted to say call me in 7 days when the drugs are out of your body and your mind is clearer but I didn't. If he needs helps finding a bed at long term treatment at that point I will be here to help him if he asks for my help but I am not volunteering it and he isn't asking - yet.

The next day I began to have some very cautious and guarded hope - is he really doing this? Is there a chance he will make it and come out clean and begin a new life of recovery? I wonder if he could get a one day pass from rehab and make it to the wedding? Will I get to re-unite with the son I know is in there that I have been grieving for the last 2 years?

.... by 3pm my daughter saw him posting things on Facebook. Instantly we knew he was already out of detox..ugh. Did he even ever check in? She messaged him and asked him why is he on Facebook when he was just in detox. He informed her he had been kicked out because of having the phone. He is supposedly now waiting for a bed to open at the one in my county. He says went to a counseling resource center yesterday and they may be providing a bed while he waits for a detox bed to open in the other county. I am wondering if he is waiting for his girlfriend to be settled in for treatment before he gets serious himself. Addicts are so hard to figure out.

Time will tell...keep him in your thoughts that he navigates he way to treatment..and that I stay sane and out of day at a time, one hour at a time. Thanks for all of your support..prayers for all of our addicted children.


  1. Actually, addicts are very easy to figure out because they are totally predictable. Sorry to say this, but it soulds like your son is just telling you what you want to hear. His mind is not on rehab. I think you are handling the situation well, not letting your guard down and keeping your boundaries in place. I know it's hard. I have been wondering for over 3 years if I will ever get my daughter back alive one day. Hang in there.

  2. Bristovol - you are probably right, sigh. And LOL at addicts are totally predictable. You got me there!!! I Haven't heard another word at this point so I will just keep waiting. Don't be sorry - I know how manipulative he can be!

  3. You're doing a great job with your boundaries. He's going to do what he's going to do. In the mean time keep your focus on yourself and your daughter's wedding.

    God Bless

  4. Thanks yaya..girlfriend called me late last night to tell me my son has checked in to detox again..time will tell. She has her intake today and is with her parents..staying hopeful one day at a time, trying not to get ahead of myself.

  5. Good for you for keeping your distance.

    Hopefully things will start to look different to him now that the two of them are separated. On the other hand, he might even be lying to the girlfriend about detox just to get her to go...

    Stay well. A wedding sounds like a great distraction!