I have reached a new place in my own recovery. I'm living my life again. As my son is again homeless, addicted, sick and his life with heroin is a runaway train, I am finally living mine.
I bought a Wii and have been having so much fun with it..family fun with the active present members of our family.
I am engulfed in Audio books during my commute to work - simple enjoyment to use the time in my car instead of obsessing on my addicted son.
I recently discovered high end thrift store shopping! Making this a payday guilty pleasure gets me a bag of professional work attire for $20 to $30!!! And it helps a charitable cause at the same time. It's enjoyable to have new outfits to wear and finding treasures like expensive name brand skirts for $5!
I am deeply focused on my career while at work and being the best I can be in my job..it feels good to flourish in it instead of faking it while wrestling my mind with thoughts of my son while there.
Yes - it is always there..lurking in the back of my mind. The fear of the worst. I can push it away now and not let it consume me. I am learning to let go. I am learning to detach with love. I have learned the next crisis is going to happen whether I spend every moment worrying about it or not. I'm finally choosing to let that worry go and stop letting it consume me.
Of course an unknown phone number calling my phone at a weird hour will shoot the adrenaline running through my veins in a millisecond, and these things are the things us parents of addicts just learn to live with.
My plan is just that - I'm learning to live again. I can hang up from that wrong number, calm myself down and move on.