Always messing up

Yesterday morning my son called me on my way to work. He was headed over to his case manager to see if he got the bed in detox. Getting the bed somehow meant getting to skip court as well. He text me an hour later and said the bed came through and he was going to detox.

I was calling and texting him throughout the day wanting to talk with him before he went, tell him I love him, give my support. My calls and texts went unanswered all day. I was trying to get up the guts to ask him to sign a release of information for the detox/rehab so if he left again they would be able to tell me instead of leaving me hanging for months of the unknown again. I never got the courage to battle the hostile addict that comes out when he is using.

Finally last night at 8pm he called me and said he messed up. He'd fallen asleep on a bus and missed his time to go check in. Ugh. Apparently he catches up on sleep by riding buses around the city when he is on the street all night. The roller coaster ride all day is wearing me out again. He was headed to the detox hoping they would still take him. Very nervous that he may have blown it bad this time. He never went to court. He needed to check in yesterday for it to all fall in line. He sounded very worried..he sounded very high.

I just listened. Told him I hoped it worked out and hung up...not much sleep for me. Restless nights are commonplace. Anxiety creeping back in. Wanting so bad to hope. Hope that he wanted this. It sounded way more about the court and avoiding jail last night and he still messed it up. He was a wreck on his way knowing he may have blown it again.

Did they take him in? Is there now a warrant again for missing court? Will he just run and go missing again if they refused his bed because he was supposed to be there hours ago? The questions go on and on in my mind. The detox is only a 4 day detox and unless there is a residential bed to follow, the pattern will just go on and on.

I am mentally very caught up in it again...let it go, let go, let go, just let go. Trying to talk myself into letting him go and go back to my life. My night was sleepless, restless, the tension in my body and the sinking feeling in my stomach still sits. Let go, let go, let go.