My son entered the 6 month residential rehab yesterday. Yeah. Whew. I drove him. Then I spent the day crying. I don't even know why.
I invited him home Sunday and decided to let him stay the night to take him to check in in the morning, he was grateful. I cooked a nice meal and our immediate family was there to support him. His clean and sober girlfriend joined us as well and I let her stay the night. It all went very well. He was somber. It wasn't some joyous celebration. Just some close time together to let my son know he is loved and supported when it comes to recovery.
His clothes were so dirty and yet he didn't wash them - he just didn't care. As if the filth would remind him of his nightmare as he entered rehab. His dad had me give him a few pairs of his clean socks to take and I gave him a few packs of smokes. He was appreciative. His hand was swollen from an injection site gone wrong. He looked bad. He smelled really bad. Even after a shower the smell wouldn't go away. I drove him to the city with the windows down for 2 hours. I reminded him he promised to give consent for me to get information this time and again how hard it was for me last time went he went missing. He agreed again and assured me he would. He also assured me he wasn't leaving this time. We said little on the way. I mentioned his 29th Birthday would be next week before his 14 day no contact period is up and I guess I wouldn't get to call him on his bday. He responded so down that - yeap 29 years old and look where he is. Heroin has him so beaten down.
I walked him in, hugged him goodbye and he reassured me again he would be calling me in 14 days when he has earned his phone privileges and he is not leaving, he is ready. I choked out the words - I never stopped believing in you. I got in my car and drove away and that is when the tears started.
I cried for the relief I wanted so bad to feel - yet wouldn't let myself feel it completely.
I cried for the hope I want to feel - yet I'm so afraid to hope.
I cried for how bad he smelled, how bad he looks. I cried for the loss of the son I had imagined he'd grow up to be. I cried for the hope that maybe he could still be that son.
All day images were flashing through my mind endlessly..back and forth. The little boy on the skateboard. The junkie on the street. Back and forth. The little boy in the little league uniform. The long stringy hair. The little boy with the Lego cities, the swollen hand.
It's been a long time since I have had a day like that. I came home from work and lay down on my bed exhausted and cried some more. I don't think I'm done yet. I can still feel the choking of the tears as if the past 24 hours has created some sort of post traumatic stress disorder.
Maybe it was time I let the tears come. And today I think I will allow myself to hope a little. After all - my son has entered rehab yesterday and that is an amazing thing to be hopeful for. And maybe there is a chance he will make it this time...
It's OK to just let things happen. Take a day to absorb what you are experiencing.
ReplyDeleteIt is expected that you hope. Hope is what keeps us going. Where there is life there is hope. Look around you and I bet there are people that love and care for you and our son. Look at all that life surrounding you. There is life there is hope. Allow all of those people to hold you up and don't be afraid.
Your son is in a safe place. It is time now for you to work on yourself. For you to help him you must be healthy. What is your role? How does the parents of a 29 year old man really help? You have to work on healing your own pain then get in a place that works for you all. Read, study, go to a meeting, talk to counselors, write on here and ask, those are all options but this is for you. You can't fix your son, he is working on that now.
Good Luck and keep us posted.
Ron
Ron said it well - he always does. :) Tears are okay. Today is a good day and he is safe - there is hope. Wishing you and your son strength.
ReplyDeleteMy son didn't get completely clean (he was still using suboxone and Xanax and beers)..until he was 29.
ReplyDeleteLet's just call them late bloomers...:)
I think the tears are years and years of low level stress. It has to come out somewhere. Now it has come out, you can start to heal. No matter what ends up happening (and I will pray for a good outcome) YOU still need to heal.
You needed those tears. I cried reading this because it sounds so much like my last encounter with Keven (he even had the swollen hand from an abscess, he did let me launder his clothes). Last night was his 14 day there and he called and it thrilled me to hear his clear voice.
ReplyDeleteIts so painful to look back at the sweet young boys, the Legos and cars and skateboards....Those little boys are still inside our sons at some level. I hope that they can heal and someday have little sons of their own so they can come out and play and laugh again as they did back in childhood.
Thinking of you.
ditto on what Barbara said. Take care of yourself. YOu've been through a lot. Sending you some good thoughts and prayers from down here in Texas.
ReplyDeleteYou sent him off with such love - and I'm sure he will hold that memory close.
ReplyDeleteBe well mothersheart, You and your son are in my prayers.