We stopped in the city over the weekend and arranged to see my son. He called me in the morning very down, lonely, hungry, tired. He tried to get in the detox and they wouldn't accept him as a walk in. He needs to go through his case manager and the community center where he gets his referrals is out until Tuesday.
He is believing he will be admitted on Tuesday and hanging on day by day. He seems sure they will open the long term bed for him since his situation is pretty dire at this point. He is staying off heroin and dosing on methadone daily. He is trying to avoid the areas of the city that are full of his drug buddies. He says no matter how hungry he gets he won't allow himself to steal even a bag of chips because he is so afraid of getting arrested and getting another case.
He looked...okay...not as bad as I expected. Skinny, tired and a bit dirty. I asked him how he showers and he said he doesn't but he tries to keep washed up in public bathrooms to the best of his ability.
He asked if we could get burgers and he ate a lot..I added a milkshake and fries for him and he ate every bite.
I got up the courage to ask him something that has been weighing on me for sometime. That when he gets in to the rehab if he would please sign a consent for them to provide me information. I explained that it was incredibly difficult last time because to protect his privacy, they wouldn't even tell me he was there or that he left. It spiraled me into a 2 month search that I thought he was dead.
He agreed he would and seemed to understand it was hard for me but I don't think he really has any concept of how hard it was.
Prayers for tomorrow that a miracle happens and that bed opens. Leaving him there on the street is again one of the hardest things I had to do but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. The constant battle of head and heart is one a parent of an addict learns to live with over time. At least I can do what I know is right now even when it tears at my heart.