Sunday, February 5, 2012

Phone is back and my tearful weak moment

He has the phone back, although I have no idea about how it really doesn't matter. Yesterday I spoke with him and my heart broke. It was one of those moments many parents of addicts have felt..

He has been on methadone for about a week or two (this is a first for him and I support it completely - finally!) and I believe he is not using heroin at the moment but has no recovery yet and I believe he continues to use every other drug on the planet. He is waiting for a bed again in a long term residential facility while remaining homeless. His girlfriend has remained home with her parents so he is alone.

His texts have hinted to the loneliness and isolation he feels. He told me how glad he is to have the phone as it is his connection to us and how much that means to him. He keeps telling me how much he misses us. How much he loves us. How much he misses his girlfriend. How hard it is to be alone now. Although I am very aware of potential addict manipulation, however this felt very raw and very real.

I felt my heart tearing to shreds - that horrid heart breaking feeling addiction has inflicted on this mom that only other moms or dads would understand.

..I wanted so bad to invite him over but refrained so I could speak to my hubby first - something very important for keeping our family sane in the insanity. I hung up the phone and literally dumped it on my hubby who was watching TV and totally unprepared for me to burst in the room with my overwhelming need to see my son..I want to invite him to come over for the Superbowl, I miss him, I can't take it, he is alone and isolated and lonely - even if it is self inflicted it still hurt to hear the pain in his voice. I cried and sobbed for a long time,  the first time in a long time. I felt my heart breaking, I want to hold him, hug him. I want to feed him a homemade meal, enjoy some closeness and send him back to the city. I could feel my husbands heart breaking for me. Hubby reluctantly agreed if I want to invite him over for the day it's okay but I know it was for his love for me that he agreed. I told him I would honor not bringing him here and I could arrange to just go see him in the city. I meant it. I have learned we all are in different places at different times with this and I try so hard to honor my where my other family members are at any given moment. He assured me it is alright to invite him if I want to.

I promptly called and text to invite him. He called me hours later to tell me he would love to come today. Now I have put myself in the situation of worry of how this will all go today, if he will make it over at all. I assured my husband this isn't about letting him stay while waiting for that bed as we all know how that turned out last time. I just want a day, an afternoon, a hug. My heart is slightly comforted as it aches for my son. And hopefully today it will be just a little less broken.


  1. I read your blog and have since its started. I have not commented here but after reading Lou's blog thought I would. I have 2 sons : 1 on methadone in a halfway house doing well and the other one on the streets, he just walked out of another rehab after 1 day. I understand how you feel, my heart is also breaking when he calls.

    1. Thanks for your post is nice to know who reads. Glad one of your sons is doing well. I can't imagine having this nightmare with 2 kids.

  2. thank you for commenting today, I would not have found your blog otherwise.

    I know your journey well, it doesn't matter where I start reading. The patterns are sadly predictable, but victories are possible. When I started blogging years ago, people would comment that no one ever recovers from heroin. I knew even then they were WRONG.

    I noticed right away your respect for your husband and the way you make decisions together. That is huge, most families take a long time to get there. This will help your son!! A divided family prolongs addiction.

    Why are parents told to take a "tough" stance all the time, or they are being enablers? We parent our whole life on instinct (especially mothers), but that doesn't apply to addiction? Of course I'm not talking about letting them use in the home, or giving them money. I mean your decision today-just for today, because you felt it right. Good for you!

    Thinking of you today, and hope this fills the hole in your heart, at least for a short time.

    1. Thanks Lou for your made me feel good that my hard work and coming together with my husband on addiction issues is seen in my posts. This has not come easy!! There were many screaming horrible fights in the beginning and I strive to not do that anymore.

  3. I read your words and I can feel your pain. I remember those days where I literally cried for hours - it was only 8 months ago that my son was forever chasing his next heroin fix.
    I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you were able to see your son today - if only to hug him.