1st Visit yesterday

We got to go see my son on a first visit yesterday. It was a wonderful afternoon and so great to see him clean! Both off drugs and literally clean, clean hair and clothes.  His attitude is great. He is all about following the rules of the program with the utmost respect for why the rules are in place. He was appreciative of us visiting and for the things we brought him. He has gained 20lbs already in 3 weeks - he was very underweight upon entering and already looking so much healthier. My hope for him grows stronger every day he stays there.

Myself, dad, girlfriend and sister all went for the visit. Eventually we will be allowed to take him out for a few hours but for now he still isn't allowed to leave yet. We packed up a picnic lunch and all ate in the dining room at the house together. My son toured us all around the areas of the house we were allowed to go in. It was so great to see this amazing house and program in action.

I was awed by the house and program. It houses around 100 men and is a 6 month program. They are helping my son with all areas of his life and it is about rebuilding lives destroyed by addiction and helping them re-enter society as productive individuals upon completion. The entire program is possible by donations. Donated money, donated clothing, donated food. It amazing to know there are so many businesses, individuals and organizations providing those donations that care about those suffering from addiction. The house itself is amazing - a huge beautiful old mansion. It was great for me to see where he is. My son is already getting medical attention for his Hep C which made me happy to hear. They take him to any needed appointments to help rebuild his life. He has an in house job of cleaning bathrooms. The daily schedule is full of groups and meetings. They are busy from sunrise to sleep.

He told us how when he left there in October after his 4 day stint,  he left all his things behind. When he came this time there are random guys wearing his clothes! That cracked me up as really funny as he described walking down the hall and here comes some guy in your t-shirt. What gets left behind gets put right back into the donated clothes. He was able to retrieve a few of his things but he was laughing telling us the story and that was nice.

He also told us a story about a new guy that came and how he only had one pair of shoes. My son wanted to help him out so he gave him a pair of boots he had gotten out of the donation bin. He started to get attached to the guy, thought he was someone he could be friends with. He joked that if he left to not take the boots with him and they better be outside his door. The guy left, with the boots. He said he understands now  why some of the guys who have been there a while don't get too close to the new ones coming in.

I just can't get over how amazing the program is and how fortunate he is to be there. The turnover is shocking how many run after waiting months and months to get in. A board by the entrance showed around 10 names of residents that had just left in the last couple of days. I felt sad for them. I know his name was there back in October and am so grateful he wants to be there today. He told us over and over he wants to stay this time and he is really glad he is there. I feel so grateful today his name was not on that board.

An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom: Parents and Recovery

While reading some of my other parents blog sites this morning I came across Dad & Mom's post that seems very important for me to keep in mind with my son in early recovery!! Thank you Ron!! I am re-posting here I hope you don't mind. I particularly love the "Believe" point.

An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom: Parents and Recovery:

Here is the bullet points for us parents to keep in mind.

• Recovery is hard. Sometimes they need a hand, make sure your hand is out for them to grasp when needed. But, don’t hold on too long.
• Addicts dig deep holes for themselves. Contrary to what you may think filling the hole is faster when only one person has a shovel. If you help to shovel it will take longer to fill the hole.
• Forgiveness is for me. The sooner I understand the faster I heal.
• “Believe” or “doubt”. I choose believe. Have you ever had someone tell you that they believe in you?
• Normal is right. “Fragile, Handle with Care” is not stamped in big red letters on a child in recovery. To stop using means they want a normal life again.
• I love you. That is a reassurance we ALL need.
• Nagging, suspicious looks and reminders of past mistakes really irritate me. Addicts in recovery probably don’t need them either.
• His recovery is his to manage. I know that for the last seven years he hasn’t been able to manage ANYTHING. But, we all have to learn and begin someplace.

Excited! However...

Things seem to be going well with my son in his program...really well. He seems to be grateful to be there, he is following all the rules and truly beginning his recovery. YYYYEEAAAHHH!!!

Phone privileges are very limited..he can only call long distance twice a week which means he has called his girlfriend. I get that! As long as someone is hearing from him that means he is there. He gets visitors this weekend and told his girlfriend he knows we want to come and hope we will bring her. So we are planning a visit. Myself, Dad, sister & his girlfriend.

I have dreamed of visiting my son in rehab for years...I am so excited! The hopelessness I have felt over the last couple years has begun to be replaced with real hope for my sons recovery. Is this really happening!?!

However, I am being careful in all my new-found hope not to set myself up for disappointment and devastation. I know he has a long road ahead. I know we all do. I know this is his journey. I also know that it is also the journey of the family as addiction has engulfed us all in it's evil ways and addiction really is a family disease. Now we enter a new phase of learning this is his recovery and to let him learn how to do this on his own as well. We also have new things to learn.

Today I am going to feel the joy of a son in recovery instead of addicted and homeless on the street.

Birthday Friday

Friday was my son's Birthday so I called the rehab in the morning and left a message just saying tell him Happy Birthday knowing I couldn't actually talk to him. To my surprise my son called me about an hour later. He still doesn't have phone privileges but they bent the rules since it was his Birthday. It was soooo great to talk to him! He said he is happy and doing great and so glad he is there. I asked him if I could drop a few things off for him and he said ciggs and candy bars would be great. They give them 3 ciggs a day and he would love more - if it wasn't too much trouble otherwise no problem waiting until we can visit in a couple of weeks. He said he got a few clothing items from a donation bin so he has some shoes and shirts and was really excited about that. He virtually went in with the clothes on his back. He said they took him to the DMV to get an ID again as he hasn't had one in probably over a year and they even paid the $10 DMV fee for him. He told me checked in at 161lbs and already weighs 173lbs! He was very skinny and malnourished upon check in day.

He sounded so grateful for everything about the program. That chip that addict used to carry around on his shoulder is gone..what a pleasure it was to hear this new found attitude!!! To have a peek into of who he is, shine through after years of a crappy attitude when using, when the whole world was out to get him, was wonderful thing for this mom.

Dad and I decided we would get him some new socks, underwear, smokes & candy and I would drop them off. Although it was completely out of the way,  I am so glad I did it myself as I got to see the place he is in. Wow - it's pretty amazing. It's a state/city/donation funded program in an old mansion with an amazing staff. No wonder the waiting list is so long. I felt so grateful that he was given a spot there - twice. As I walked up the first thing I noticed was a sign saying "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". Nice!!

I was fully prepared to just drop off the bag when a counselor came down to get it and decided since it was his Birthday he would call him down real quick. They called him over a PA system and pulled him right out of a meeting and next thing I knew my boy was in my arms. That hug felt so great. He already looks so much better. Healthier, clean and filling out and in his donated clothes. He was very grateful, humble and I could tell he is all about following all the rules and really invested in his recovery.

He was a bit startled by being pulled out of his meeting as I couldn't tell him I was coming but he was smiling and very happy to see me. He did seem tired or a bit spacey or something I can't adequetly describe (not high!), but it gave me a stupid scary thought that somehow he has just destroyed his mind with all the years of drug use and he may not ever be the same again, ugh. I felt a little pit in my stomach and thought he is ruined. He may not ever recover to a healthy mind again. I need to not over-think it - this is very early - only 11 days clean after years of substance abuse and 3 years of hardcore heroin addiction and and I guess it will take time. More then likely it is the Methadone and as they adjust and plan for the proper dose early on, he may just seem a bit spacey and that's okay too. I believe in my heart that the Methadone is what is enabling him to stay this time and begin recovery so I am in full support of it and glad his recovery house supports it.

I was very happy to hug my boy on his Birthday and get to see where he is.

Wahoo!

A huge victory to report..

He is still there!

One day at a time - I know!

Why is 10 days huge? He's only ever stayed 4 days. So one day at a time, I am going to enjoy the fact that my son is clean today and each day that passes is another victory.

He is not past his orientation period and still doesn't have phone privileges..soooo he had a new friend from there call me to tell me he is there, doing well and he loves us.

His friend told me he is ready, he isn't going anywhere..and added some humor to tell me he'd put him in a headlock if he tries to leave.

The whole conversation had me grinning ear to ear.

I can't wait to be able to talk to him and get a first visit in...I have dreamed for so long what it will be like to see my son clean, healthy and well.

He made it to rehab yesterday..an emotionally exhausting day

My son entered the 6 month residential rehab yesterday. Yeah. Whew. I drove him. Then I spent the day crying. I don't even know why.

I invited him home Sunday and decided to let him stay the night to take him to check in in the morning, he was grateful. I cooked a nice meal and our immediate family was there to support him. His clean and sober girlfriend joined us as well and I let her stay the night. It all went very well. He was somber. It wasn't some joyous celebration. Just some close time together to let my son know he is loved and supported when it comes to recovery.

His clothes were so dirty and yet he didn't wash them - he just didn't care. As if the filth would remind him of his nightmare as he entered rehab. His dad had me give him a few pairs of his clean socks to take and I gave him a few packs of smokes. He was appreciative. His hand was swollen from an injection site gone wrong. He looked bad. He smelled really bad. Even after a shower the smell wouldn't go away. I drove him to the city with the windows down for 2 hours. I reminded him he promised to give consent for me to get information this time and again how hard it was for me last time went he went missing. He agreed again and assured me he would. He also assured me he wasn't leaving this time. We said little on the way. I mentioned his 29th Birthday would be next week before his 14 day no contact period is up and I guess I wouldn't get to call him on his bday. He responded so down that - yeap 29 years old and look where he is. Heroin has him so beaten down.

I walked him in, hugged him goodbye and he reassured me again he would be calling me in 14 days when he has earned his phone privileges and he is not leaving, he is ready. I choked out the words - I never stopped believing in you. I got in my car and drove away and that is when the tears started.

I cried for the relief I wanted so bad to feel - yet wouldn't let myself feel it completely.

I cried for the hope I want to feel - yet I'm so afraid to hope.

I cried for how bad he smelled, how bad he looks. I cried for the loss of the son I had imagined he'd grow up to be. I cried for the hope that maybe he could still be that son.

All day images were flashing through my mind endlessly..back and forth. The little boy on the skateboard. The junkie on the street. Back and forth. The little boy in the little league uniform. The long stringy hair. The little boy with the Lego cities, the swollen hand.

It's been a long time since I have had a day like that. I came home from work and lay down on my bed exhausted and cried some more. I don't think I'm done yet. I can still feel the choking of the tears as if the past 24 hours has created some sort of post traumatic stress disorder.

Maybe it was time I let the tears come. And today I think I will allow myself to hope a little. After all - my son has entered rehab yesterday and that is an amazing thing to be hopeful for. And maybe there is a chance he will make it this time...

Hope without insanity

I'm not sure it's possible for me but I'm going to give it my best shot!

The long term (6 months) residential rehab bed came through!
(Thank you God and all my readers for your prayers).

His date is Monday..4 days to go.

He is going to come out Sunday to hang with us, BBQ and visit before he goes in. I invited his clean and sober girlfriend over to visit as well. She is doing great, at home with her parents, going to meetings and hoping my son finds his way while not being with him.

I am wrestling with keeping him Sunday night and driving him there Monday morning..I may need to do it to keep myself sane. I feel a renewed hope but don't want to make myself crazy EXPECTING him to actually do this. Praying it is really time. Praying he is really ready. Trying not to get caught on that roller coaster of hope and tragic disappointment.

His past record for detoxes and his one attempt at this same rehab is only 4 short days. I am hopeful he makes it this time.

We visited him..

We stopped in the city over the weekend and arranged to see my son. He called me in the morning very down, lonely, hungry, tired. He tried to get in the detox and they wouldn't accept him as a walk in. He needs to go through his case manager and the community center where he gets his referrals is out until Tuesday.

He is believing he will be admitted on Tuesday and hanging on day by day. He seems sure they will open the long term bed for him since his situation is pretty dire at this point. He is staying off heroin and dosing on methadone daily. He is trying to avoid the areas of the city that are full of his drug buddies. He says no matter how hungry he gets he won't allow himself to steal even a bag of chips because he is so afraid of getting arrested and getting another case.

He looked...okay...not as bad as I expected.  Skinny, tired and a bit dirty. I asked him how he showers and he said he doesn't but he tries to keep washed up in public bathrooms to the best of his ability.

He asked if we could get burgers and he ate a lot..I added a milkshake and fries for him and he ate every bite.

I got up the courage to ask him something that has been weighing on me for sometime. That when he gets in to the rehab if he would please sign a consent for them to provide me information. I explained that it was incredibly difficult last time because to protect his privacy, they wouldn't even tell me he was there or that he left. It spiraled me into a 2 month search that I thought he was dead.

He agreed he would and seemed to understand it was hard for me but I don't think he really has any concept of how hard it was.

Prayers for tomorrow that a miracle happens and that bed opens. Leaving him there on the street is again one of the hardest things I had to do but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. The constant battle of head and heart is one a parent of an addict learns to live with over time. At least I can do what I know is right now even when it tears at my heart.

Holding strong

I have spoke to my son a few times..he got a phone charger, I reloaded the phone. No explanation was offered in regards to super bowl Sunday other then he had a really bad day.

He had orientation at the long term residential rehab yesterday, he continues to wait on the bed to open. He is continuing on the methadone and says it is going well. Dosing is the only thing he has to look forward to each day. He continues to make his needed court appearances and case manager appointments. The court is still not mandating the residential treatment due to him beginning the methadone outpatient. He says he wants residential treatment for himself because he knows he needs it.

My daughter bought him lunch twice this week already. He is not staying in shelters - he says they are worse then the street. He is a mess. He is dirty. He smells bad. He rides trains and buses around and sleeps on them.

I will not bring him home to wait for the bed this time.

It is a lingering regret that I brought him home last time to wait although at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. After the month long wait last time he stayed only 4 short days. I kept asking myself if because he was home waiting, he was fed, clean, had a comfortable bed to sleep in that it contributed to his short term memory loss of how bad it is out there.

I won't do it again..but I have to keep reinforcing the idea in my mind all day because the mom in me wants to throw him in the shower and give him a home cooked meal and a bed. He needs to want it bad this time. And being dirty, hungry, tired all will contribute to his desire to change his life. They are the consequences of the life he is living and he has to want for it for it to change and for recovery to stick more then his 4 day record.

No idea what went wrong..

My son called me at 2pm from a borrowed phone and said he was getting on the train to head out our way in 20 minutes. He had been in the midst of another crisis - fallen asleep on a bus, woke up and his bag with all his stuff was gone. His phone was dead and his charger and wallet was in his bag. He didn't want to make a bad day worse by not coming out. He asked if the girlfriend could come too that her parents would bring her over and I said sure. He said he would borrow a phone when he arrived at the station so I could come and pay the train fare at the gate.

Backtracking, my daughter had also invited to her house for Superbowl as her in-laws were coming also. But once I told her I had invited her brother over she did not want to include him in the invitation. So we decided we would stay home so I could spend the afternoon with my son, and they would have their own gathering.

I calculated the time it would have took my son to arrive and decided to head to the station to wait for him. Big mistake #1. I waited until 5pm as one train after another arrived from the city and he was never on any of them. He should have been there by 3:30. I kept thinking he would be on the next one as them came in 20 minute increments.

Big mistake #2 - I should have went to my daughters house to enjoy the game and gathering. Now the game is over half done, and instead of enjoying a nice day I have wasted it in sitting at a train station feeling disappointment after disappointment when each train arrived and he never appeared.

I have no idea what happened to him. More then likely he is just so incapable of putting one foot in front of the other. He also has a knack for getting arrested - a lot - these days. Perhaps he got picked up on his way. He never called and I am just left wondering.

Phone is back and my tearful weak moment

He has the phone back, although I have no idea about how it really doesn't matter. Yesterday I spoke with him and my heart broke. It was one of those moments many parents of addicts have felt..

He has been on methadone for about a week or two (this is a first for him and I support it completely - finally!) and I believe he is not using heroin at the moment but has no recovery yet and I believe he continues to use every other drug on the planet. He is waiting for a bed again in a long term residential facility while remaining homeless. His girlfriend has remained home with her parents so he is alone.

His texts have hinted to the loneliness and isolation he feels. He told me how glad he is to have the phone as it is his connection to us and how much that means to him. He keeps telling me how much he misses us. How much he loves us. How much he misses his girlfriend. How hard it is to be alone now. Although I am very aware of potential addict manipulation, however this felt very raw and very real.

I felt my heart tearing to shreds - that horrid heart breaking feeling addiction has inflicted on this mom that only other moms or dads would understand.

..I wanted so bad to invite him over but refrained so I could speak to my hubby first - something very important for keeping our family sane in the insanity. I hung up the phone and literally dumped it on my hubby who was watching TV and totally unprepared for me to burst in the room with my overwhelming need to see my son..I want to invite him to come over for the Superbowl, I miss him, I can't take it, he is alone and isolated and lonely - even if it is self inflicted it still hurt to hear the pain in his voice. I cried and sobbed for a long time,  the first time in a long time. I felt my heart breaking, I want to hold him, hug him. I want to feed him a homemade meal, enjoy some closeness and send him back to the city. I could feel my husbands heart breaking for me. Hubby reluctantly agreed if I want to invite him over for the day it's okay but I know it was for his love for me that he agreed. I told him I would honor not bringing him here and I could arrange to just go see him in the city. I meant it. I have learned we all are in different places at different times with this and I try so hard to honor my where my other family members are at any given moment. He assured me it is alright to invite him if I want to.

I promptly called and text to invite him. He called me hours later to tell me he would love to come today. Now I have put myself in the situation of worry of how this will all go today, if he will make it over at all. I assured my husband this isn't about letting him stay while waiting for that bed as we all know how that turned out last time. I just want a day, an afternoon, a hug. My heart is slightly comforted as it aches for my son. And hopefully today it will be just a little less broken.

My electronic leash broken again

The one little thing I've allowed myself to do is give my son a phone. It's really way more for me then him. After he was missing for almost two months, I decided the silence was too much to handle so I got him a $9 "go phone". I figured I could decide each time his balance was low if I wanted to reload in two week increments. I have lost count of how many phones between myself and his sister we have given him over the last few years but my best guess would be around 6 or 7.

Yesterday morning I left him a voice mail - love you, thinking of you. Call me. About 5 mins later a girl called me from his phone. She had met him the night before and borrowed his phone and forgot to give it back. She wanted to return it but had no idea how to get in touch with him. Well that makes two of us since you are calling me from the only way I had to reach him. We agreed she would return it to the pizza place they met in the night before. My daughter emailed him to let him know it is there but his getting on a computer can possibly not happen for weeks as his only way is at the library or the Apple store. Who know if and when he will get the email and if the phone will be there.

I'm thinking that this is yet another phone gone and now I am again left with no way to contact him.

Words of wisdom

This in some weird way just gives me the OK to be who I am at any given moment in time when battling my fears surrounding my sons addiction. I have done it all and now it has become just simply - I do what I can live with each day. Today - that is not much. I got this off of another parents blog.


Do what you are comfortable with. Spend all your money trying to help or spend none of your money. Take their calls or don’t take their calls. Pay for their apartment or give them your home. (or leave them homeless) Disown them or clutch them tight. All your pain is about you….your fear of (just) wanting them to be healthy and happy and sane. Since none of this is within your power to give them, then do what makes you able to sleep at night, do what makes life bearable for you. Your addict/alcoholic is doing what makes life bearable for them……aren’t we all?” 

A funny thing happened on the way to detox

He can't seem to put one foot in front of the other and actually make it through the door to detox.

Addict ramble, addict ramble. Got arrested again. The revolving door of jail continues.. Going to still go...

Still not there..he just doesn't want it bad enough. Although sometimes I think he does want recovery - it is just fleeting. It goes on and on.

Went through the city yesterday where he is homeless and addicted. Stopped by my parents graves and realized it was the 20th anniversary of my dads death. Wondered what my dad would be thinking if he had any idea what has become of my son.

Text my son to tell him it has been 20 years - my dad was the most important person in  my sons life as a child..an indescribable bond. He has tattoos dedicated to his grandpa. His first deep hurt that he never could get over was the death of his grandpa...

I didn't stop in the city to meet up with him. We just kept on driving. Letting go.

Always messing up

Yesterday morning my son called me on my way to work. He was headed over to his case manager to see if he got the bed in detox. Getting the bed somehow meant getting to skip court as well. He text me an hour later and said the bed came through and he was going to detox.

I was calling and texting him throughout the day wanting to talk with him before he went, tell him I love him, give my support. My calls and texts went unanswered all day. I was trying to get up the guts to ask him to sign a release of information for the detox/rehab so if he left again they would be able to tell me instead of leaving me hanging for months of the unknown again. I never got the courage to battle the hostile addict that comes out when he is using.

Finally last night at 8pm he called me and said he messed up. He'd fallen asleep on a bus and missed his time to go check in. Ugh. Apparently he catches up on sleep by riding buses around the city when he is on the street all night. The roller coaster ride all day is wearing me out again. He was headed to the detox hoping they would still take him. Very nervous that he may have blown it bad this time. He never went to court. He needed to check in yesterday for it to all fall in line. He sounded very worried..he sounded very high.

I just listened. Told him I hoped it worked out and hung up...not much sleep for me. Restless nights are commonplace. Anxiety creeping back in. Wanting so bad to hope. Hope that he wanted this. It sounded way more about the court and avoiding jail last night and he still messed it up. He was a wreck on his way knowing he may have blown it again.

Did they take him in? Is there now a warrant again for missing court? Will he just run and go missing again if they refused his bed because he was supposed to be there hours ago? The questions go on and on in my mind. The detox is only a 4 day detox and unless there is a residential bed to follow, the pattern will just go on and on.

I am mentally very caught up in it again...let it go, let go, let go, just let go. Trying to talk myself into letting him go and go back to my life. My night was sleepless, restless, the tension in my body and the sinking feeling in my stomach still sits. Let go, let go, let go.

Hope?

My son has some changes happening again and I'm trying not to get to mentally caught up in it but find myself wanting to hope again..

The revolving door of jails and courts is finally slamming shut on him. He is facing a year in jail but his case manager is asking the court for one last shot at rehab and recovery.

He started methadone a few days ago - he has finally realized he won't make it without help. He is due to enter a detox today, at the same long term residential rehab he left in October. The hope is they move him into a bed when the detox is over. The program supports methadone and they will assist in keeping him on it.

If the court says no - he will go to jail which he is terrified of.

Regardless of the motivation, he may actually do this. He is confidant the court will take the advise of the behavior health case manager and he will get treatment.

He is sleeping on the street - he says it is awful but he supposes it's a good thing because it reminds him why he does not want to continue this life of addiction.

He says he wants recovery, he says he is done. He says it is different this time. He says he wants a normal life again. He says he wants to do normal things like see a movie. His girlfriend is back home with her parents. She left the city when he got arrested again. She is doing well, attending meetings, sober.

So I have renewed hope..which scares me. The hope and the disappointment are a horrible roller coaster ride and I do better when I don't fill my mind with dreams of my son clean and in recovery. But today I am hoping again.

Maybe this is finally his bottom.

Living my life

I have reached a new place in my own recovery. I'm living my life again. As my son is again homeless, addicted, sick and his life with heroin is a runaway train, I am finally living mine.

I bought a Wii and have been having so much fun with it..family fun with the active present members of our family.

I am engulfed in Audio books during my commute to work - simple enjoyment to use the time in my car instead of obsessing on my addicted son.

I recently discovered high end thrift store shopping! Making this a payday guilty pleasure gets me a bag of professional work attire for $20 to $30!!! And it helps a charitable cause at the same time. It's enjoyable to have new outfits to wear and finding treasures like expensive name brand skirts for $5!

I am deeply focused on my career while at work and being the best I can be in my job..it feels good to flourish in it instead of faking it while wrestling my mind with thoughts of my son while there.

Yes - it is always there..lurking in the back of my mind. The fear of the worst. I can push it away now and not let it consume me. I am learning to let go. I am learning to detach with love. I have learned the next crisis is going to happen whether I spend every moment worrying about it or not. I'm finally choosing to let that worry go and stop letting it consume me.

Of course an unknown phone number calling my phone at a weird hour will shoot the adrenaline running through  my veins in a millisecond, and these things are the things us parents of addicts just learn to live with.

My plan is just that  - I'm learning to live again. I can hang up from that wrong number, calm myself down and move on.

Long overdue update..

Thanks to those who have been praying and waiting on an update..

Both my son and his girlfriend got in rehabs and both left...my son made it only 4 short days. Here is what transpired over the last few months.

I had made a decision to bring him home to wait for his bed in rehab. It had been two years since I had let him stay with us in our home.  It felt like the right thing to do at the time. He had detoxed off heroin and was doing all the right things to get to rehab and wait. The wait was about one month and that month for the most part was a special time for me to spend time with him. He was optimistic, helpful, had a good attitude and we spent some nice time bonding and reuniting for the first 3 weeks. The courts had arranged a social worker who got him on general assistance. We had discussed this $400 coming and I knew in my heart it was all bad. The day he was told his date to enter rehab we had only 1 wk to go and he got the GA $ and promptly went MIA. His was missing for 5 days but I knew exactly what had occurred. He walked to my house at 3am for hours with his tail between his legs. We only had 3 days to go for the bed so I let him back home to wait. The night before his check in, he disappeared again only to come back high as a kite. That night was crazy...he rambled like a mad man, cried all night, swore upside down and backwards that he wasn't high. I didn't even question, badger -  anything - I just wanted to check him in and get him out of my house. My hubby called it "operation get him the F out of here".

Hubby took the morning off work and dropped him off...I spent the first week full of hope but with lingering doubt. The place he went wouldn't tell us anything or even acknowledge he was there due to confidentiality.They have a 2 week black out period so at first I just waited for that two weeks to pass to get a call or letter. Neither ever came.

So for 8 weeks he was missing...this was a very dark period for me as I grieved and mourned my dreams for a clean and sober son - again. I spiraled into a depression and became frantic with fear and panic. I was obsessed with what had happened to him. Did he leave and OD? Did he leave and kill himself? I spent my spare time with a circle of calling everywhere he had contact with, case managers, jail, hospitals. I filed a missing persons report. His girlfriend had gotten into rehab and was doing fantastic..really optimistic, clean, healthy again. She had not heard one word from him either. So a couple of months passed and he finally called.

He said he thought I wouldn't want to hear from him if he left the rehab. I was just so relieved he was alive.

Sadly, his girlfriend left her rehab to find him and got herself kicked out. She promptly reunited with my son and they are currently living back on the streets, in cheap hotels and using heroin again. They both cycle in and out of jail, they manipulate the system and it revolving door of jail, courts, case workers, assistance just continues on and on. They both got arrested last week and were both out in 4 days. Now suddenly all her charged are just dropped - huh??  I am fed up with the system too but I guess they are overcrowded and overworked.

My son also just found out he is positive for Hep C...not really much of a shock as statistically almost all IV drug users will contract it. I am just relieved its not HIV for now. He is supposed to have a liver biopsy but with the life he is living I can't see him following through with any medical help or them providing much to a homeless addict. Again I hope this may be the thing that will create an intervention but not holding my breath.

I am letting go again - actually more then I ever have. As soon as I knew he was alive I have stopped holding onto such unrealistic dreams and have accepted the situation for what it is. I have given him a phone and he calls me once a week or so to check in and that is about all I want in the way of contact.

I will keep hoping that someday they will be ready, but in the meantime I am living my life. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of my focus being about him and his addiction...I am getting better.

Thanks to those reading and asking for updates.